Post by jumpahead on Oct 11, 2008 6:19:47 GMT
Waxing . . . .
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one
of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub
the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart and
press them to
your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure
this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my ge
nius kicks in
so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax, yeah...right!') I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
skin
around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body
hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right
side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to
the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply
and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP ! Another deep breath and
RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must
stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe,
breathe...OK,back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt
sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over
body
hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the
strip...it's not! I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped
up on
the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
SEALED SHUT!!!!
MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!
SEALED SHUT!!!!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself 'Please don't let me get
the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right???
WRONG!!!!!!!******
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture
prisoners of war or sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together,
is having them glued together and
then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself
to the porcelain!! God bless
the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the
bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter......
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where
the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
the wax
off with a razor
Nothing feels better than to have your girliegoodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky
wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for
this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the willyens out of my
friend.
Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!! It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend
and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief
and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could
have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color.