Thats it I have enough of my hubby!

[Ziggy]

I suppose he is right, we do not have the money but he is not the one who has to explain to the children or to comfort them when they are in tears. We were all heartbroken when we had to say goodbye to the ponies but we treid to get on with things. Never mind, he said daughter can go back to dancing and boys can do football. ok we all said. Daughter has been back at dancing and boys were just about to start football club. Daughter loves her dancing and had just changed to theatre school, which she really enjoyed. Now he says children cant do any clubs or classes as we do not have the money. Eldest son cant go on school trip next year (his last year at primary school) will be the only one in his class not going. Please, please someone give me a bit of advice as to how i am going to break all this news to the children. I am in tears here thinking about it. they are going to be sooo upset. have had to face them and thier tears so often now when daddy has said no to new pets, ponies, days out, clubs, new clothes, shoes, holidays etc etc the list goes on. i guess he is being sensible but why oh why is always left to me to explain to them. sorry to rant but totally fed up, men!!!! just not sure I can face the children with any more bad news. Feel like saying to him get a better job then we will have the money, am i being unreasonable???

[Milliesmum]

I would say, sit down with the computer, and make a spreadsheet with your household budget, all your incomings and outgoings, and work out what you have left for 'luxuries' at the end of the month. Then look back at your outgoings, and see where you might be able to 'free up' some extra cash? There's that bloke of the telly's website, is it called money saving expert or something like that, where you can find all the best deals on credit cards, gas and electricity, etc.

It might be glaringly obvious when you look at it where you can tweak so that you can all have a few of the things you'd like. And even if you find that there's really no savings to be made, at least you'll know he's not being unreasonable.

Just a thought, do you get the child benefit money paid directly to yourself? Could you use that for things like school trips etc.?

Also, I don't think it does children any harm to go without sometimes. That sounds harsh but it will stand them in good stead in later life if they realise that things have to be paid for, and you can't just automatically have something just because you want it. And if you really work for stuff, it's usually all the sweeter for the wait.

[icarus]

I agree with what milliesmum has said, can you look at your incomings and outgoings to see what spare money there is and if you can save money somewhere? or do you not have access to any of this?
Childbenefit and child tax credits should be paid to you if you get them.
I dont know your financial situation obviously so dont know if you work etc, if not is it possible for you to get a little part time job?

I have to hide my pony costs from my husband he would go nuts if he knew what they really cost to keep!

[Milliesmum]

We did do this recently, and it's surprising when you look at it on paper, where the money goes! For instance I've been boycotting tesco recently and doing all my shopping in Aldi, and instead of £80 to £90 for a trolley load in tesco, it costs me usually between £40 and £50 in Aldi. And we've honestly never eaten better, much healthier.

I did pop in to tesco the other day for some pods for my coffee machine, and found myself looking at stuff thinking HOW MUCH??? Can't believe I used to just chuck it all in the trolley without even looking!

[viking]

I just wonder why it should always be you to tell them ? Dad's making the rules and that seems to be his prerogative. Like that, I feel he should be the one to break the news, or at least share the ordeal.

[welshbyname]

I feel real sympathy for you, yor trying to better yourself by doing your midwifery studies, but at same time its taking its toll financially for the moment, it must be frustrating.

There is no reason though that it should be totally down to you to tell your kids that they may have to forefit their clubs etc, would hubby not sit down with you, so you could tell them together?

I recently had to talk to my partner, as he was striving to be 'superdad' by working all hours so we could have luxeries, but in doing this he was in effect leaving me as a single mum and daughter without a dad, he was always stressed, we constantly argued and our relationship was in tatters.

What im trying to say is when things are difficult financially or otherwise you need to do things together, your partner shouldn't make it your responsibility to be the bad news breaker.

Hope things start looking up. xx

[victoria (highhill)]

I know its only one small part of the issue but my childrens primary school have a policy in place for people who are struggling a bit. Every school trip, music lesson, after school club or whatever always says if you would like your child to attend but are struggling financially please let us know - they sort of allow for if someone cant pay, not sure how many people take it up, I am sure it is all kept very private and the children wouldnt know - i'm sure many schools would do this too. Is it worth asking?

[B_31]

Sept 17, 2010 6:45:18 GMT Milliesmum said:

I did pop in to tesco the other day for some pods for my coffee machine, and found myself looking at stuff thinking HOW MUCH??? Can't believe I used to just chuck it all in the trolley without even looking!

i did that the other day over something;"im not paying that"... went somewhere else and got it half the price.

tbh spreadsheets are BRILL.... i dont do them as im on control of my own money and it scares me when i add it all up lol!... but for yourself id try it and see how much money you can save for trips etc

[Ziggy]

Aww, bless! thanks all for your replies. Not sure spreadsheets would help as we REALLY do not have any spare cash at end of the month. Child benefit in my name but goes into joint account, so gets swallowed up with bills. have to say joint account was THE worst idea. Dont do it women of Britian!! My OH is quite controlling with money anyway but I just hate the thought of getting told off when i take money out of the bank. if i had my own account he would not know! hey ho. have thought about asking school re money for trips but receptionist is a so and so and always looks down on me. (Humf, what does she know about me really, thinks she is the bees knees because she ahs 4x4 with personalised registration). Would not be able to get appointment with head without having to tell her what it was for.
ooh I am ranting again but just a bit fed up. I wont even mention the course as i will be here all day. Get about as much support on that as |I do at home. Sorry for ranting, honest i am, at least we have a roof over our heads. (just)

[aunty]

I found this the other day, do not know if its any help.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/make-money

If it is and you have a bit spare, open your own secret account and do not tell him!!!

[PennyP4]

I would say having a joint account is the best thing ever!! Love it Mainly because hubby earns all the money and I'm really good at spending.

I really do know how your feeling, we had a terrible time last Xmas, really didn't have 2 pennies to rub together Its horrid but you'll come through the other side like we did.

Spreadsheets are amazing, do it you might just be surprised, its a real eye opener.

[bessieboo]

I would agree about the joint bank account....the worse thing I ever did! The comments about talking to the children together I would also agree with. Why should it be your responsibility to do that? Yes everybody hits hard times and in a couple of years things could well be different and you may well look back and think how on earth did we manage. But at the end of the day parenting is a joint thing so why should he get out of doing the horrid things?

The kids will probably take it better than you think, they are very resilient and on occasions we haven't been able to afford something we have had tears but by the next day it is all forgotten about and sometimes she has even sat and thought about it and apologised the next day.

I would definately go and see the headmaster/your sons teacher though. I am 100% certain the school won't want him to be the only one in the class to miss out. At the end of the day they have the kids interests at heart. You do not need to tell the receptionist what you want to see the headmaster about. Just tell her it is a private matter. I know what you mean though our receptionist at school is exactly the same! It actually has nothing to do with her though!

[conniecolt]

Theres only one answer, get a job then all the money you earn you can spend on you and the kids. If you do something in the evening they hubby will have to do the bed and bath thing and he will soon find a few quid for the little extras.
Be realalistic it's no good getting yourself into debt, but if he is just being tight, show him what you are really made of.

[lips36]

I agree with the shopping thing, we actully do ours online now once a fortnight and we do asda on line and use the old freezer in the garage now its amazing how much you save to when you go in store, when i shopped in store i used to spend a fortune about 70- 80 a week shopping on line i spend that once a fortnight. i also go on all the compare sites. iknow its a bit of messing round but if you wanna save money then we do these things. good luck :~))

[mellymoo]

Sept 17, 2010 7:37:57 GMT viking said:

I just wonder why it should always be you to tell them ? Dad's making the rules and that seems to be his prerogative. Like that, I feel he should be the one to break the news, or at least share the ordeal.

Absolutely agree!

[poniesrus]

You mean 'joint accounts' aren't part of the norm for married couples !?

Goodness, hubs and I have got 3 joint accounts, have done since we got engaged in 1989 ! Admitedly, it's me that deals with the finances and money in the household ... hubs has to be given written instruction if he goes to the cash points at any time (like when I was in hospital having son last November lol). But that's part and parcel of being married and being a 'couple' surely ... individual accounts seems like there's still that 'single' aspect to the relationship.

Anyway, I would be making him sit down and explain it to the children .... if he has the controlling hand, then he must take the responsibility. Failing that - DUMP HIM and find a better model !

I know I'm a spoilt 'brat' (hubby's fault) and the children have a very comfortable lifestyle .... but I could not put up with a fella dictating to me in any shape or form. That's not how marriage works - marriage is both of you being equal, not him being the dominant feature and you being under the thumb.

[flyingchange]

Nursey - I recommend you contact the family support worker linked to your school (will be via sure start or the childrens centre in your area) I know they have a 'pot of money' to fund school trips etc for people in similiar situations to you . They can support you on a one2one basis with family and financial issues. Its completely confidential so the busy body receptionist will not know your business - promise!

[caron]

Aw big hugs its a rotten situation to be in, I'm sure many of us have been in the situation of counting down the days til pay day, robbing peter to pay paul, putting cheques in for hay delivery hoping they don't cash until after wages go in
Even now I borrow off Mummy dearest occasionaly and I'm nearly 40!
Are you sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to? All the tax credits etc? If you're not sure try ringing the CAB.

I also think that getting to see the headteacher is a must asap, either via your son's form teacher (just tell him/her that you don't want to tell the receptionist as she is asking too many nosey questions and its strictly private) or via the SS or childrens centre.

Look out for free things you can do with the kids to make up for not going on 'real' holidays, save up the vouchers for 9.50 holidays from the Sun newspaper, take them to the nearest beach/park with a kite, a ball and a picnic. My kids have had some great times with the simplest of things- a bucket and spade and a beach full of sand and they were happy for hours.

I know you were looking a while back, but did you eventually find a pony to part loan or loan? Would this still be a possibility? There are loads of small ponies round by us looking for a rider a few nights a week, some of them asking for a financial contribution but not all of them, its a pity you are on the other side of the country, but maybe something to keep an eye out for over your end of the country, even if its just one night a week, it will get you and the kids out of the house enjoying yourselves, maybe you could offer to do extra jobs in return for the kids riding.

Are you also RGN trained as well as midwifery? Could you do a few agency shifts? Some of them are good money, up to 20 and hour for night shifts, I did it for years and loved it, the only trouble is they usually want you to pay for CRB yourself which can be a dear do

Good luck, loads of us know how you feel, its a real headache, hope money is a bit less tight soon.

[purplerocks]

Loads of good advice given here. I think you could also look for some cheaper alternatives to the kids clubs - our school has after school clubs and classes, different ones each term. They cost £2 a week and my daughter has been able to try all sorts of sports and hobbies at very little cost. She doesn't feel she's missing out even though I can't afford theatre school or dance school - she's had a go at dance, circus skills, arts & craft, tri golf, multi skills sports, gymnastics, pop singing - the list goes on!

[archiepoo]

hi i just thought id add my opinion to the mix- two years ago i was very spoilt,had my own yard 9 horses 4x4 +trailer £500 pocket money per month and still wasnt enough! we had our own company so pleased ourselves as to when we worked. he bent over backwards to give me and our 3 kids everything we wanted. credit crunch hit us hard- the company went down , we have been on the dole for 12 months , had to sell all my horse except one that i now keep on livery and use my family allowance to pay for. lost my yard my herd of lovely horses, but we survive and its been an eye opener to see how hard he worked for me to have everything i wanted.he tells his friends who mention horses or ponies not to do it because its a divorce in the making! i feel very lucky that im able to keep my horse but very guilty that he costs money we havnt got to keep him.so i just wanted to say how lucky i am that i have a great partner and hes starting a new job next week-hurrah! also make sure you get all tax and family credits that are due to you because that makes a huge difference.hope things improve soonXX

[viking]

Sympathy to you welsha. A sad place you're in at the moment. I am sure it will get better. Hugs.

[welsha]

yep am sad but a lot happier than I was when I was living with the miserable b*****d !!!!!

[sageandonion]

oh dear welsha, I do hope he gets what he is due in the form of a great dose of the clap (OMG I can't believe I said that!)

Nursery, this is so very hard. What about going to the citizens advice bureau? they should be able to point you in the direction of financial advice and help for the children as to what is quietly available at school etc.

[Milliesmum]

Sagey don't ever change! xxxx

[amumwithapony]

Only just caught up with this thread, PC on the blink again but playing nicely this afternoon!

Right, we all have money problems occasionally. As well as my little job we also run our own business which we really struggled with last year and has only just picked up again. When we were struggling I say down and worked out how much our monthly bills came to and was horrified!

Had to move pony away from expensive livery yard back to a mates place up the road, which is lovely but not as many facilities but it meant I could give my car to OH for work and we didnt need 2 on the road.

Also checked round for better deals with phone/cable provider and saved about £40 a month on that but still kept the package we wanted.

Also looked at everything else we had previously taken for granted and got rid of a lot of stuff including a dance class frankie didnt really enjoy and sacked little luxuries like meals out and takeaways and stuff.

But the biggest shock of all was how much I was spending on the weekly shop. £100+ easily and there is only 3 of us!

Now I use Aldi for most things, go in Tesco's/Asda only when I need washing powder (cant use anything except Persil) or something that I can't get in Aldi.

I echo what MM says, I can spend £40 in Aldi and have a trolley full. I have always got my meat and fish off our local market (although have been testing bits of Aldi's frozen fish). Just about everything in there is as nice or nicer as branded stuff and everything is so much cheaper. Also because they don't tend to do as much processed stuff you will eat cheaper and healthier as well. Then the money you save by not using the bigger supermarkets can go towards funding the kids treats.

I would also be saying to him that he has to help you explain to the kids why they can't do the things they want to do and also he has to take some of the responsibilty of entertaining them (cheaply!) at weekends when they are fed up cos they can't do there clubs. I would also look at your councils website and see what is available in your area. I have just heard of a youthclub for frankie to join on a friday night. Its a £1 to go and they can only take £1 spending money and I know a lot of church run clubs are free. They also do different things with the kids and most are subsidised one way or another.

Good luck and dont forget its not going to be forever. We had ups and downs financially when I was a kid and TBH it was the down times I remember as being most fun as we had to make our own entertainment and was much better than the organised type!

[chiefgroom]

Approach the school nursey - I'm a school governor and we certainly have a policy on equality and access for all pupils. We try to support families who may have difficulty funding school activities and would otherwise miss out. It is all done confidentially and without a fuss so that no one is singled out or embarrassed (I hope!) If nasty receptionist blocks your access to the headteacher, try writing a letter to the Chair of Governors c/o the school to check if this kind of support is available .... and if not -WHY NOT! Good luck x

[emma3870]

is your school a church aided school? go see the vicar

[emma3870]

go see CAB as well as they will tell you what benefits you are entitled to

[blacknwhite]

same problem here too, my other half wants the ponies gone too much money spent on them, an ungrateful daughter who has them, (TEEN TEMPERS) , but i enjoy them too, we are trying to sell two of them or swap for one but nothing is selling at the mo , but try telling him that he just thinks we put peopple off, been to see so many who want to swap , but i think they are having a laugh or living in cloud cuckcoo land at some of the ponies we have been presented with, i just wish i had my own place, more money, less hassle , we are always falling out over ponys its a joke really
it would just be easier to say sod it and pack up all togeather but my heart rules my head ,i could not do without them x

[thecremellosociety]

We find we struggle more as OH has a well paid job but by the time Mr Tax Man has had his share and we have paid NI and everything else, i feel at times we would be better off all claiming income bloody support !!!! Rather than paying everyone elses.

I get a V small amount of tax credit a week and 1 x fam allowance (daughter lives with her dad so he has he other), do keep the ponies pristine and they have all they need, but have a very small house, its tidy and clean though cluttered !! I do a shop of about £100 per month for store cupboard essentials and wash powder, the rest i pick up fresh daily from Coop, Lidl or tesco local and generally get reduced things or whats on offer, makes me laugh as ponies get dengie and blue chip !! I can then run the house a week on £30 generally, thats milk, bread, fresh veggies if making something in particular.

We all have tesco or asda clothes, very lucky with son, he has 2 cousins that are very much into labels and designer wear, and i havent had to buy him anything for years as he gets Levi jeans, Rebock and Addidas tops etc all passed down, in as new condidition,, you can tell aunties dont have horses !!!

I dont go mad at xmas either, mine are at a age to realise how mucg things cost.

We are far from perfect we have some bills in the past that have just crippled us, but if you do talk to companies, they have to accept an offer of payment from you if you explain the circumstances, dont bury your head with debts of any sort, talk to them, i have had many a sleepless night over my own and show debts in the past, but if you communicate you can resolve things.

Bugs me how we pay what would equate to a monthly wage for me in tax from my OH wage, and that yes i am looking for a PT paid job but cannot afford child care for most of them.

Chin up life does get better and sure we can all help you on here, people assume we are well off because we have horses, thats half the reason we are not well off is because we have them and keep them properley, ie insured, vaccinated, wormed, chiro & dentist, Clean Bedding and quality feed. Yet here i am and my glasses are dropping to bits and im 2 years overdue a sight test