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Post by pinkis4eva on Jan 10, 2011 12:07:46 GMT
this is not a moan only posting in here cause daughter posts as well and i don't think she reads this section. my daughter made up 18 on saturday. felt really bad cause only bought her socks , dvd, choccies and slippers thought hubby would have given her some money but because she didn't ask for what she wanted he didn't give her anything. . . . . . however we did buy her a new horse last year and she doesn't really want for much. daughter also received £150 for a christmas pressie do book some driving lesons. . . . has she done it yet . . . . NO. really really upset cause she has a boyfriend and i am not happy she is seeing him (13 months now) (and he is 27 years) she never tells us what she is doing although we never stop her from seeing him wish she didn't i don't think she has experienced teenage years going out with girlfriends and doing girlie things. we have 4 horses (12.2, 14.2 15.2 and 17.2) i left her in bed sunday morning whilst i went to do the horses thinking we would go and ride later in the day . . no she went out to see him and didn't come back till 9 oclock at night. daughter at college 5 days a week and doing very well (thank goodness) but she finishes in july and we don't know what she is going to do she seems to be so secretative these days - she never used to be like this. i am just feeling sorry for myself cause i think now i have to let go and lose my best friend.  so HG people what shall i do . . . . . wish someone would do a baby book when they are born so you know what to expect !!!! i feel like giving up the horses by selling mine (15.2) and just keeping the 12.2 and 14.2 and look after them myself (they too old to sell) and telling daughter to take over the cost of having her 17.2 oh and selling the waggon. is it the long winter or should i try and sort this out or give up altogether thanks for reading this xx |
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Post by gniwxaw on Jan 10, 2011 12:25:52 GMT
Oh Cheryl, sorry your feeling down. Think it is the winter taking its toll. You and your daughter are best friends and im sure you always will be. She is a smart kid and maybe you do have to "hand over the reins" so to speak and let her make mistakes to help her learn.
Dreading mine growing up, gets harder not easier eh! xxx
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Post by gladys on Jan 10, 2011 12:42:23 GMT
oh dear have have i been in your shoes and still are, my daughter/best mate is 21 this year , and when she goes off to uni, it feels like i have lost a limb, one minute I'm chasing round the shows , shops, netball, hockey, Friends, next I'm on my own, shes got a car , is very independent a little job, friends, and although we are still showing , I'm doing the ponies more on my own, and this is where you have to be careful you don't start resenting the time it takes you to do her ponies/horse, maybe its time to look at what you want out of your life , at the end of the day I'm proud she is confident and enjoying life,, and in a way thats down to mothers like us who are always there ,for them , as for the boyfriend , well your going to have to grit your teeth and not say to much , at 18 she is entitled to make her mind up even if you don't like the situation ,confrontation could result in arguments ,you don't want, although a chat re where your going with the horses may help, or get said boyfriend involved , our daughter had one and in the end he gave her an ultimatum horses or him , haven't seen him for 2 years now ;D it takes a special chap to put up with the demands of horses......take care x
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Post by Karen, garrettponies on Jan 10, 2011 17:14:51 GMT
Hi, I feel for you! My niece will turn 18 in March and has wanted for nothing all her life, no dad on the scene so my sister has struggled and worked all the hours god sends to get what she wanted/needed. Since she started college and found boys she has become pretty similar. She passed her test and my sister was quite releived in a way as it meant she was no longer taxi service but on the other hand now worries that she is out on the roads in the snow and ice and sometimes hasn't the courtesy to phone when she is going to be late, sended my sister into a flat panic. She has become a madam and can't wait to leave home and nothing is good enough anymore. She currently has no boyfriend so the horse is the be all and end all but as soon as another boy comes along, horse will be left to my sister again. My sister does them every day during the week and Soph does them on a weekend IF she is out of bed/dressed/can be bothered.
Don't worry you are not alone............chin up, she is just going through an awkward phase XXXXX
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Post by sageandonion on Jan 10, 2011 18:52:40 GMT
Been there, done that and I know exactly how you feel.
The only thing you can do is let her get on with it, start putting yourself first, expect nothing and then you won't feel let down. You really need to detach yourself and try to stop getting stressed, it does no good.
Arrange your life as if she wasn't there and never rely on her. Wait for the backlash though because she won't like you actually having a life.
It is hard to do this as you are so used to revolving around her, so you must be strict. After a while, it becomes quite nice to be no. 1 yourself.
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Post by pinkis4eva on Jan 11, 2011 13:04:50 GMT
thank you gniwxaw yep it does get harder as they grow older not easier lol.
hi gladys i will give my daughter her due when she is around she will help and its great and when she goes thats when i get down and fed up wondering is it me? i do think i am going to have to "let her go" and let her do her own thing. the boyfriend does like horses (unfortunately) and he will pick her up from college one day a week and give me a break and they go and do the horses but it should be ME AND HER. shame she can't do right from wrong lol.
thank you garretponies yes your sisters story sounds similar to mine i do all 4 horses during the day and then go and pick her up from college and she usually goes and rides the 17.2 while i skip out re do haynets and feeds daughter does ask if i want any help and i usually say no so i know she then can have the time to ride.
after posting on here and talking to friends on my yard its ture i am not on my own KIDS!!!!!
hello sageandonion thank you for your post i do think your right i need to pull my socks up and blow my nose and stop floundering and think differently and i will take your advice :-)
feeling a bit better now
thank you every one xx
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Post by pipandwill on Jan 11, 2011 19:13:51 GMT
well, just ask her if she really wants the horses, if not just sell them, no point in having good horses going to waste, I hope she realises how lucky she REALLY is.
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Post by Snowy on Jan 11, 2011 20:04:43 GMT
I can see it from the other side. I went through that stage last year, my first year at college. I found new friends and boys and found it very frustrating when all my mates were off to town shopping straight after college and me having to be left out due to my ponies. It was winter as well and the ponies weren't really much fun. I kept 'putting up with them' and probably gave the impression I didn't want them any more but deep down I knew I did really, come summer and I went back to loving them putting the ponies first. These last two winters have been awful and any body who hasn't even gave the tinyist thought of giving up is amazing!! teenage hormones or not hehe As for the not telling you what she's doing its probably because she doesnt know what she wants. My mum is always asking me why don't I talk to her more and its because I don't know my self. The threat that worked for me was; If you want to sell the ponies fair enough do it but we won't be able to sell the sec A (LR pony), without loosing money, untill you've schooled him and got him saleable!" I took up her offer but then realised that I loved them too much. Don't be down  xx |
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roxanne1
Full Member
Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.
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Post by roxanne1 on Jan 11, 2011 23:11:31 GMT
i agree with snowy.. I was going through this not long ago where the horse felt like a chore & it because of A levels and not having enough time for 'me' time anymore however i've now realised that 'me' time is the time i spend just me & my horse.. i couldn't sell him no matter how many times i think i need too.. After all he's never gave up on me! I'm sure your daughter will pass that stage & i think this winter plays a key part in this as it seems too have gone on for so long & now i'm just really excited for this next show season  Don't get too down about it & as for the men situation us girls go through these time and maybe her boyfriend will start helping with the horse rather then driving her away from them ... good luck xx |
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Post by pinkis4eva on Jan 12, 2011 12:16:56 GMT
pipandwill hi there i know she does want the horses and i have asked her if she does want them don't get me wrong my daughter will do the horses and i suppose i shouldn't begrudge her going out . . . i wouldnt if she was going out with the girls. . . . my daughter is already planning this season venturing out to do a different riding club and doing more dressage this year i just don't know if i want too.
Snowy thank you very much for posting :-) i really think you have given me an insight throu teenage eyes ha ha. my daughter was frustrated after she finished school(2years ago) all her girl friends were at college did keep asking her to come out but what with a heavy work load at college and the horses she more often than not had to say no and i am sure they didn't understand horses can't be left and they need exercising her hard work paid off because she did very well at two riding clubs gaining a few 1st place trophies thank you again.
hello roxanne1 i think youre right much as i want to cut down on horses our 12.2 we have had since my daughter was 8 years old (now 18) could never sell him he is now 17 years. the 14.2 is 19 years and i suppose my younger daughter rides him but not as dedicated as my older daughter my 15.2 is 10 this year and i have had him since he was 14 month old he is good and if i don't ride him for a few days i can get on him and he is brilliant. the 17.2 we have had for a year and is only young and i think my daughter will get the best out him this year.
i think having talked to a couple of other friends and reading posts on here has helped me to let go and view the situation i will just have to get on with it
oh the joys of having kids !!!!!!!!!!! ;-)
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Post by mcw on Jan 12, 2011 12:36:36 GMT
my sister sounds similar, she's 15 and we never know where she is or what she's doing, and when we ask, she just shouts at us  |
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Post by shwmaeCP on Jan 12, 2011 14:40:38 GMT
Ok i certainly have no idea what to suggest here only maybe letting her learn from her mistakes? and learn what she needs to appreciate in life in her own time. I am sure she will snap down to earth again soon |
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Post by kickon on Jan 12, 2011 21:17:05 GMT
Hey ! Thinking back I made some huge bloomers!( still am) But the penny hopefully will drop soon  and she will be back on track. The more you push the more they dig in  So chill and good luck. My brother is going through the same thing with his daughter so we have our fingers crossed for a good ending here  |
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Post by fluteybeauty on Jan 12, 2011 21:55:14 GMT
im not a mother so dont know what your going through but ive never had a horse as a child (mums allergic ) luckily my aunt used to have two cheeky shetlands and i did have lessons till the age of 10. Then i gave them up till at 16 started working on a petting farm and refound my love for these gorgeous animals. i got a horse on part loan at 17 paid for by myself who unfortunatly needed sooo much work i decided to buy her with some money i inherited at `18' and get her well. My mum waned me off so to prove i could manage my mare i took her on full loan on her present yard(not allowed to move off).
I spent febuary to may this year going every night after work to a very run down yard (roof actually fell in in my stable)a half hour bus journey from home with limited facilities worst of which being NO LIGHTS by the time work was over i was there most nights on my own . I remember one night crying my eyes out as id finished work late it was pitch black and horse was panicking as to why she was out on own. In may after a lot of talk that it came down to it that id have to buy her or leave her id put weight on her but i needed facilites to school her to help her build muscle and i was getting so tired not eating as by the time i was home it was too late
I choose to buy her despite being told to find something else to buy or loan. Ive never regretted it she had moved to a yard at the end of the street before the check cleared though the cost of her went up. Ive worked hard for my horse and love her to bits and really apprciate her. I look after her completely on my own and despite earning minimum wage and still paying a bit of board at home i pay every penny she costs myself (about 250 a month) im up every morning before work and there till late at night and have certainly had to make sacrifices.I Just turned 19 last month but my horse is exactly that MY horse and i do believe its taught me a lot of respect. Maybe your daughter should ahve a go at looking after and paying for HER horse x
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roxanne1
Full Member
Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.
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Post by roxanne1 on Jan 12, 2011 23:40:06 GMT
Glad we helped .. It's lovely how long you have had your horses, thats what every horse needs!! Ha ha, no were not easy but your there to care and you seem to do that very well xx |
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Post by showingfanatic on Jan 12, 2011 23:58:45 GMT
It's sort of the opposite with me & my mum, it tends to be more a case of me letting her go  lol, it's a bit selfish really as her whole life pretty much revolved around me and now she's remarried and has a 'life' I tend to get my nose pushed out so I can sort of see where you're coming from in your situation. I went through a patch of being secretive and snappy, going off all the time and not talking to my mum a lot etc, the more she tried to rein me in, the more I fighted the restraints, it was only when she started doing the same I realized how much I needed her! At the end of the day, the guy probably won't be round forever, but you will always be her mum and you will be the one she comes to when things go pear shaped!! I'm sure she will realize that soon enough. In the meantime, maybe say to her you would really like to have a girly night or something, go shopping or get some dvd's in, nothing beats a bit of quality time xx |
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Post by sageandonion on Jan 13, 2011 21:11:12 GMT
And what is it about them always being in the bedroom with the door slammed shut?
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Post by honeypot on Jan 16, 2011 17:53:56 GMT
I am afraid this a rite of passage that they do not tell you in those posh baby magazines.
My daughters are now 21 and 25, I accepted when the eldest was about 16 that their lives where moving on. I accepted responsibilty for my eldest daughters horse and decided to keep him for me to ride, perhaps not the best choice in the long run but my choice.
I think you have to talk about it but not 'it's them or the boy friend', but you and your life are changing and how can we do this without it being hard for everyone.
My youngest daughter still has a horse but after years of uni etc, at least now she pays his bills which does help and poo pics on her days off although I still have to nag and occaisionally have a tantrum.
I have found a friend to show with, and have fun doing that. In the spring I would sell the 17.2, suggest you spilt the money and put towards a car,uni, driving lessons, what ever. That may get her onside, and say she can always ride if she wants and her help will be appreciated in return for her keep.
I know this seems like defeat but she is trying to be an adult which takes time and you are the adult and have had practice.
By the way me and my girls who are still at home still have some mega shouting matches, but who said life was easy and most of the time we get along.
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Post by lancs on Jan 18, 2011 13:41:23 GMT
Hmm, daughter is 19, and now as keen as ever, but went through a iffy spell. I told her that the horses where my hobby and I would have them whether she wanted to or not, and I know how busy she is but if she would be my rider in the ring so that I didn't have to pay anyone, then I was prepared to do them myself. Didn't last long, just gave her a bit of breathing space without giving up completely, and as I say she is now keener than ever.
I also try not to see myself as her best friend but as her MUM which is different and a bit more special. I love it when we are at shows and she prefers to hang around with me rather than go off on her own or with friends, and she rarely brings boyfriend to shows, it's seems she sees this as our time together.
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Post by sageandonion on Jan 18, 2011 19:31:57 GMT
lancs you need to write a book, I could have done with this advice myself, instead of muddling through. Still I have come out the other end and everything is ok, but it is really hard to know what to do at the time.
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Post by chiefgroom on Jan 27, 2011 20:42:17 GMT
I have found this thread very helpful - it has made me think about my own relationship with my teenage daughter who has always been at my side but recently turned into a bedroom hermit with two methods of communication - yelling or grunting! Thank you Snowy - it never occurred to me that she might be feeling just as confused and frustrated as me ...... and I'm the grown-up! I'm off to give her a great big hug and maybe share some chocolate - that should solve everything!
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Post by Snowy on Jan 27, 2011 20:48:34 GMT
Chiefgroom - Your welcome, glad to be of help x |
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Post by emma3870 on Jan 27, 2011 20:52:32 GMT
my daughter likes her bedroom and her laptop. she had a pony on loan but lost interest. she is interested in boy bands, justin bieber and her friends at school. up until around 8 months ago we yelled at each other. I have now accepted that those are her interests and mine are the horses with my younger daughter.
I let her have her space. she shuts the door but I can go in when I want. we now have a laugh and I get on well with her friends. we came back from riding tonight and she had baked scones and shortbread. she had also tidied up her mess.
think she was honestly more trouble between the ages of 3 and 12. she is 14 in July. she isn't interested in boys or drink. time will tell if that changes. I was a nightmare between the ages of 14 and 17. smoked, drank and stayed out all night and went straight to work at 6am to milk. I only had 5 boyfriends though between 14 and 18 when I met my husband and been together ever since 22 years now.
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kayjayem
Happy to help....a lot
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Post by kayjayem on Jan 27, 2011 22:44:43 GMT
im not a mother so dont know what your going through but ive never had a horse as a child (mums allergic ) luckily my aunt used to have two cheeky shetlands and i did have lessons till the age of 10. Then i gave them up till at 16 started working on a petting farm and refound my love for these gorgeous animals. i got a horse on part loan at 17 paid for by myself who unfortunatly needed sooo much work i decided to buy her with some money i inherited at `18' and get her well. My mum waned me off so to prove i could manage my mare i took her on full loan on her present yard(not allowed to move off). I spent febuary to may this year going every night after work to a very run down yard (roof actually fell in in my stable)a half hour bus journey from home with limited facilities worst of which being NO LIGHTS by the time work was over i was there most nights on my own . I remember one night crying my eyes out as id finished work late it was pitch black and horse was panicking as to why she was out on own. In may after a lot of talk that it came down to it that id have to buy her or leave her id put weight on her but i needed facilites to school her to help her build muscle and i was getting so tired not eating as by the time i was home it was too late I choose to buy her despite being told to find something else to buy or loan. Ive never regretted it she had moved to a yard at the end of the street before the check cleared though the cost of her went up. Ive worked hard for my horse and love her to bits and really apprciate her. I look after her completely on my own and despite earning minimum wage and still paying a bit of board at home i pay every penny she costs myself (about 250 a month) im up every morning before work and there till late at night and have certainly had to make sacrifices.I Just turned 19 last month but my horse is exactly that MY horse and i do believe its taught me a lot of respect. Maybe your daughter should ahve a go at looking after and paying for HER horse x What a lovely mature post from such a young lady. It is so refreshing to see someone who knows what she wants and will take responsiblity for herself and just get on with it. In this day and age of young people being handed things on a plate you are are a breath of fresh air. Good luck to you and I'm sure you will appreciate your horse all the more having worked for her.  |
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Post by pipandwill on Jan 29, 2011 17:49:38 GMT
im not a mother so dont know what your going through but ive never had a horse as a child (mums allergic ) luckily my aunt used to have two cheeky shetlands and i did have lessons till the age of 10. Then i gave them up till at 16 started working on a petting farm and refound my love for these gorgeous animals. i got a horse on part loan at 17 paid for by myself who unfortunatly needed sooo much work i decided to buy her with some money i inherited at `18' and get her well. My mum waned me off so to prove i could manage my mare i took her on full loan on her present yard(not allowed to move off). I spent febuary to may this year going every night after work to a very run down yard (roof actually fell in in my stable)a half hour bus journey from home with limited facilities worst of which being NO LIGHTS by the time work was over i was there most nights on my own . I remember one night crying my eyes out as id finished work late it was pitch black and horse was panicking as to why she was out on own. In may after a lot of talk that it came down to it that id have to buy her or leave her id put weight on her but i needed facilites to school her to help her build muscle and i was getting so tired not eating as by the time i was home it was too late I choose to buy her despite being told to find something else to buy or loan. Ive never regretted it she had moved to a yard at the end of the street before the check cleared though the cost of her went up. Ive worked hard for my horse and love her to bits and really apprciate her. I look after her completely on my own and despite earning minimum wage and still paying a bit of board at home i pay every penny she costs myself (about 250 a month) im up every morning before work and there till late at night and have certainly had to make sacrifices.I Just turned 19 last month but my horse is exactly that MY horse and i do believe its taught me a lot of respect. Maybe your daughter should ahve a go at looking after and paying for HER horse x What a lovely mature post from such a young lady. It is so refreshing to see someone who knows what she wants and will take responsiblity for herself and just get on with it. In this day and age of young people being handed things on a plate you are are a breath of fresh air. Good luck to you and I'm sure you will appreciate your horse all the more having worked for her. i no exactly what ur talking about, I have paid for two of my ponies, it has run me dry in money terms, but i brought them because they mean so much to me, Ok my mum has borught the others but, but good on you for taking it on by yourself without your mums help... I totally agree with you aswell... |
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xx
and she will be back on track.
So chill and good luck. My brother is going through the same thing with his daughter so we have our fingers crossed for a good ending here 
lol, it's a bit selfish really as her whole life pretty much revolved around me and now she's remarried and has a 'life' I tend to get my nose pushed out so I can sort of see where you're coming from in your situation.
