Absent fathers

[ponymum]

I am soooo sick of my daughters father. We split up after he got himself a mistress, while my dad was dying of cancer....and as predicted he has turned into one of those guys who doesnt provide for his child, either emotionally or finacially He always says at christmas and Birthdays , "shes not getting much as I'M SKINT" He is self employed and is almost always late with his maintenance or doesnt pay it at all....I am just expected to pay for everything and that is it....short of taking him to the csa....what else can I do? Im so mad at him, last week she had an operation , he didnt come to see her, buy her a card or nothing...grrr he makes my blood boil....I wouldnt mind if she was a sulky spoilt little girl who was ungrateful, but she isnt and she often makes excuses for him, bless her, I feel like such a failure landing her with him as a father...Mine was brilliant, so I compare him to my dad constantly...he NEVER measures up

[PennyP4]

He sounds like a PIG! Shes got a good mummy, what more does she need!

Make him pay through the CSA and make him face up to his responsibilities, he might even end up paying more!

What parent, separated or not wouldn't spend day and night by the bed side of a child after they'd been through an operation??

[amyx]

I really hope you do get in touch with the CSA
Don't be too hard on yourself you are doing a brilliant job!!!!!
As she gets older she will see for herself what he is like.

[icarus]

I feel your pain! I too am in the same situation with my ex husband, csa are taking him to court for non payment but guess what, he has moved again! dont supposed my girls will ever see any money from him, he didnt bother getting either of them anything for christmas, not even a card!
When they are old enough to see both sides of the situation they will make their own minds up but for now dad is a saint grrrrrr
Just to add my dad was also fantastic and never shirked his responsibilities emotionally or financially.
Good luck and dont stress yourself about it no matter how frustrating it gets, as it wont help you xx

[brindlerainbow]

Ponymum its sounds like you are well shot of the dipstick!!! It also sounds like your daughter is a kind, well adjusted,pleasant girl so give your self a massive pat on the back for doing such a good job in bringing her up
Take him to CSA if you can
Dont worry about telling her what a useless shower of sh1te he is, as she gets older she will realise this for herself

[crazyshetlandlady]

Haha Funny OB!!

[sageandonion]

Well done ponymum for being such a strong and yummy mummy. Get in touch with CSA and do it right now.

I look forward to hearing your story when karma comes round just like OB says.

[amumwithapony]

Ponymum I was in a smilar situation to you. Ex a complete and utter tosser, no maintainace whether he is working or not (more often not), he has taken me to court twice for contact when I have never stopped her seeing him, made my life a complete misery for the first 2 years of splitting up, unreliable, untrustworthy complete and utter waste of space.

Do you know what? Now I have realised after nearly 6 years that the only person who will loose out is him. My daughter is 6 and she is even now starting to realise what a waste of space he is. She asked the other week why her 'other daddy' (she calls my finance Dad as well, her choice) never has a job, only lives in a flat, and doesn't have nice things. He had also just let her down for a visit as his dole money hadn't been paid and she was disgusted when I told her that he gets money even though he doesn't work.

He has a court order for 2 nights a fortnight and she will only go for 1 and i think she only goes then so she can see him for a few hours and would quite happily come home that night rather than have a sleep over.

My current OH would lay down and die for me and my daughter and is the best thing that has ever happended to me and her. He dotes on her, she can have literally anything she wants from him but he doesn't spoil her. Her relationship with him is and always will be stronger with her 'real' dad so my ex is the one who will loose out.

Your daughter will one day realise what a waste of space he is and what a lovely mummy she has instead. Kids are not stupid and soon suss out what is going on. She is old enough to arrange times to see him herself so just leave him to contact her.

You will also find that as he is self employed that the CSA can do very little to enforce a payment. They cannot do an attachment of earnings because he is S/E so TBH you are probably wasting your time trying to get them to help. Why not open a bank account in your daughters name and ask him to credit that each month. Tell him it is for stuff for her ponies and entry fees and things like that so you would rather it go into her account. Then when nothing goes in your daughter can ring and ask him where 'her' money is. That may just shame him into paying.

And above all remember that your daughter has a lovely mummy and a lovely lifestyle. While you may find her dad lacking in qualities I am sure that she will never say the same about you.

Chin up hun, don't let the useless wan*ker get you down. Life is too short

[laurajazmine]

I feel for your daughter im in a similar position. My Dad has never been around since i was 4, barely helped my mum out and never had anything to do with me. I even fractured my skull and he didnt even ask or visit. I know its wrong and shouldnt be this way but i've got used to it. I would deffo be getting the money sorted its just wrong how so many men get away with just disappearing!

[Deleted]

So sad. Your daughter is adoreable ponymum, I would love her to be mine.

Your stupid ex doesnt realise what a precious gift a child is.....................

My hubby is best daddy in the world, yet our son died in a pointless accident

Life doesnt make sense does it ?

Hug your lovely daughter, get the CSA on your ex and just look on it as his loss and your gain xxxx

[ponymum]

Thanks guys ;D....we have had a txt row tonight!!! he cant pay as has no work atm, so I suggested he'd like to look after Georgia while I "work" all week, he responded that his partner was off work as she is a teacher.... I responded....she isnt Georgias dad, you are ....so when pressed , he said he would have her but wont drop her off or pick her up from the horses... what a pr--ck

[eskvalleystud]

you are better off without a selfish beep beep like him, your daughter has a fantastic mum and who needs a dad if thats all he measures up to be

I personally would cut all ties if he is that useless, your daughter will not miss out and when she's old enough can decide whether to have anything to do with him, as at the moment shes a wee girl who shouldn't have to put up with his pathetic ways

as you can tell I left my daughters father as he was extremely selfish, did let him have access but he messed that up, he sends her a card on her birthday and christmas, no presents no other care over her although do have to say he does pay his maintenance on time i cannot fault that, but my daughter has a wonderful life without him, he never appreciated her and its his loss

I would def get in touch with the CSA, why should you slog to provide and he sits on his backside doing hee haw

really feel for you as have been through similar argy bargey and its not nice!

[Kerbeck]

I am 24, I have never met my Dad, my parents were 17 when they had me, My mum never had anything off him, he never tried to make contact, last year my Mum found him on facebook and sent him a message, he said he had tried to find me on friends reunited etc but couldn't ( I have lived within

[dancer]

Feb 21, 2011 12:28:44 GMT amumwithapony said:

You will also find that as he is self employed that the CSA can do very little to enforce a payment. They cannot do an attachment of earnings because he is S/E so TBH you are probably wasting your time trying to get them to help.

There is a lot the CSA can do to make him pay through the courts if necessary, if he is S/E - as for wasting your time using them, it's a free service so what have you got to lose

[amumwithapony]

In my experiance Dancer you loose the will to live LOL! It is free however and sometimes the threat of it ie a letter can help.

But I know a girl who's ex is S/E and she tried for about 5 years to get the CSA to help with no luck. They did get my ex to pay for about 8 months (in nearly 7 years!) but that was only because they went down the attachment of earnings route which is impossible to enforce when someone is S/E.

The only other thing that they can do to force them to pay when S/E is a Foirfeture of goods, which means bailiffs turning up and emptying the house of everything with a resale value and sending it to auction, but IMO whilst the child is still visiting or just about maintaining a relationship with the absent father its the child that ends up loosing when Dad doesnt have a TV for them to watch if and when they visit.

Unfortunately most absent fathers realise all this and milk the system for all its worth.

[welsha]

My ex left me for someone 15 years younger than me. When I found out about his affair he walked out the week before Xmas with both my kids clinging to his legs screaming 'dont go' and he just walked out bold as brass. Didnt see or hear from him for weeks. Ive spent the last 2 years trying to get him to have regular contact with the kids but his precious job and high maintenance girlfriend along with long haul hols all come first and contact has been all over the place. My kids have been messed up by it too. Suddenly he decided once the divorce was getting towards the court stage he wanted regular contact (once every 1 or 2 weeks for tea!!), but when he wanted it not when it suited me and the kids so we are now expected to cancel whatever we have on so he can take them to his for 2 hours and sit them in front of his computer. He is now saying because they still have their ponies I am living above my means (yes! They live off my overdraft but thats my problem!!) and the kids ponies and horsebox (which I paid for with inheritance money) should be sold to go towards a deposit for a house for him, along with me doubling the mortgage (the house was bought with my deposit!!) also to finance a house for him. He has of course denied he is living with the girlfriend and is of course sleeping on a friends sofa. LIAR! ooooo they make me so mad sometimes!

[dancer]

AMWAP - it can take a long time but there are a lot of enforcement options (aswell as Bailiff action) that the CSA can take against anyone who doesn't pay whether they are employed or self-employed, you might lose the will to live but the only alternative is to try & collect it yourself .

[eskvalleystud]

men who don't pay the maintenance and help support their own flesh and blood should be gelded!

Welsha really feel for you, what a horrible git, can you not find a way to prove he is living with his girlfriend?

[llew77]

My daughter does not see her Dad or has had anything from him since she was 1 year old she is 15 next week! His choice not mine/her's, to be honest she is better off without him.... but I can honestly say hand on heart that i have never slagged him off to her etc, just don't mention him.

I just decided that she was better off without him, I support her in every way and my family do, she doesn't see his family either, they only live down the road ( 5miles away)

CSA are a waste of space, can't do anything to help, i'm not bothered tho!

Good Luck Ponymum, just put your energy into your daughter and forget him x

[lisalittlechild]

unfortunately all he will have to do is show a very low profitable tax return and he will only be told he has to pay £5 per week! IT SUCKS! (which he has never payed)

my sisters ex (australian) tried to take the boys (5yrs and 3yrs) back to australia, we stopped all passports, put restraints on it all, the corts still gave us a hard time saying she had to let him have them every other weekend!

12mths afetr moving out he kepy removing the kitchen window (PVC Fitter) at night and stealing the kids toys etc, the police told her to move out to protect the boys as he 1/2 owned the house so he couldnt be done for trespass.

She moved to my mums, but left the dog at the house because it didnt like mums dog, she went up to it twice a day and i took it to the the yard with me each day.
3 days later we tried to get into the dog and he had drilled the locks out, changed them and after having to break in ourselves discovered he had stolen the dog!
i rang the rspca and found he had handed the dog in as a stray, said it bit him on the park and they put it to sleep.

He also rang social services and tryed to report her for the boys being "smelly and scruffy" apparently

He was in australia but this month is returning, i'm not looking forward to it!
Some men should not be allowed to call themselves fathers.

I hope you keep your chin up x x

[eskvalleystud]

here's hoping he will get lost in transit from Austrailia to here then!

can't beleive what some of you guys have had to go and are still going through, the things you see (and put up with) without a gun handy (just kidding...)

[lisalittlechild]

ohh and forgot the best! bit, when he does have them the more outgoing lad doent bother but the eldest who has speech learning difficulties, comes home and wont speak for days because he tells him off for not being able to express himself,

also in oct whilst on his travels the 4yr old got a strep virusin his throat attacked his kidneys and caused them to go into full failure, we were in manchester kids hospital for weeks not sure if they could save him (he ok now though) we emailed him to let him know and he accused my sister of causing the failure by feeding the wrong foods!? BIZARRE (also told his mother the little lad was A BIT POORLY)
uuurrrrgggghhhh x x

[presley]

Makes my blood boil when absent fathers act in this way... and my goodness there are enough of them around...

Get the CSA onto him,...

and... here's a website that would prove extremely helpful to you, it's The BSWC.. (british second wives club).. you'll find alot of women in exactly the same position as you ponymum and who have some very insightful advice and stories of their battles with the ex's..

I'd recommend you have a look at the website ponymum as it kept me sane when i was involved with a man who had two teenage sons and an ex wife from hell (who was also an alcoholic!!!.. mmmm, nice.... NOT).

Amber xx

[sunkissed]

Im 32 now & had a father that has never bothered with my sister & myself..he went on to marry again twice,i have 2 step sisters that want for nothing, but this has just made me stronger,i make sure my kids have the world.2 weeks ago had phone call from him to say he has cancer & now wants me & my sister to have feelings for him.its hard because i do feel sad for him,but he never cared for us,no xmas/birthday cards..he doesnt even know his 4 grandchildren..my mum is furious but then i dont blame her he had an affair & left us..its been down to my wonderful mum & step dad that we could have ponies..just feel i owe him nothing & just wish he hadnt got in touch just to ease his guilt :-( selfish or not selfish??

[pipandwill]

My dad was so mean, he demanded £15000 off my mum, even though she paid most of the bills and she paid for the house.
Then he wanted custody over me, then instead of paying £400 per mounth for me, which really isnt that much for his own daughter, he insisted he could only pay £200.
Vile man

[quinny]

Ohhh i wont even go into my sons father!! Sadly for my son he is no longer with us he took his own life in december last year. I hated the man he was the biggest waste of space you could of ever imagined, BUT my son worshipped the ground he walked on and i have to pretend he was the best daddy in the world!!

[chorro]

I really feel for you guys, my father said I wasnt his then had the audacity to move in next door to us, he used to buy ice cream for the kids in our street and leave me out, he remarried and that marriage failed, he never once paid any maintenance but when I was eighteen I suddenly became his lovely daughter, needless to say he got a very short shift from me, he finally passed away leaving a pretty decent amount which goes wihout saying I received non of. What you never have you never miss.

[jump4joy]

From someone who has earned her 'Ology' in trying to get maintenance.
If you have a solicitor and going through a divorce and your ex is self employed you can go for a disclosure of earning from both of you, then a court will decide a percentace of the difference between the earnings, that is payable maintenance...wether or not they pay is a different matter.
If they are self-employed they should be paying income tax of some sorts and have set of accounts [unless they are really dodgey and i've just got rid of one that is] there is a answer to this..... all is not lost ladies.......gather as much factual information as you can.don't use a PI expensive and on the clock...you can do it because you know him better than any PI ........and then send an official looking/reading/ recorded delivery letter to him with your factual information outlined [ go heavy on the pen].......informing him in the nicest possible way [not] that you will be passing the info on to the Inland Revenue, Benefits Agency, CSA and whoever else you can think off.............bit of blackmail never hurt anyone. It's up to you if you do indeed past it on I did'nt have to!
There is also an option for you teenagers who do not or have not received anything...when you reach the age of 18 and are still in full time education.......you can get 'legal aid' yourselves where you mum may be unable to...and take your father's to court yourselves. You make a claim to help towards your education needs and a solicitor will do all the leg work for you........big smack in the mouth comes to mind.........if you are that way inclined..............

On another note ladies at the end of the day.................like it or not, whatever breed/type your ex is....he is still your child/rens dad! Let them make up their own minds about him when the time comes...trust me they will.... and that is very hard but remember we are the stronger of the species and more deadly!! "There is more than one way to skin a cat, or dance with it" whatever the case may be...we are far too stonger cats to cower to kittens!!

Experience is that wonderfull thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again!!