Post by gh on Mar 19, 2007 18:00:42 GMT
Following my recent spelling / grammar lesson (failed) I thought I'd impart some useful tips recently sent to me.
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a
garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that
when you remove the garment from the washing machine you
can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
3. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply
stand next to the object you wish to view.
4. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
5. Always take a sh*t at work. Not only will you save money
on toilet paper but you'll also be getting paid for it.
6. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to
nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king
thing in the first place, you fat bastard.
7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary
one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you
put it on.
9. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful
of lard.
10. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps
makes an inexpensive vibrator.
11. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken
steroids by running a bit slower.
12. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply
lighting your next f*g from the butt of your last one.
13. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice
bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu,
Quorn meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing',
they won't know the difference.
14. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice steak.
15. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and
bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
16. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the
roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things
like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
17. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
rolling over and going back to sleep.
18. Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately
punching anyone with whom you
disagree.
19. Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than
them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
20 Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish
bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing
manner.
21 HOUSEWIVES. The best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
22 OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address
books. Simply cross out the names and address of people
you don't know.
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a
garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that
when you remove the garment from the washing machine you
can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
3. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply
stand next to the object you wish to view.
4. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
5. Always take a sh*t at work. Not only will you save money
on toilet paper but you'll also be getting paid for it.
6. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to
nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king
thing in the first place, you fat bastard.
7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary
one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you
put it on.
9. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful
of lard.
10. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps
makes an inexpensive vibrator.
11. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken
steroids by running a bit slower.
12. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply
lighting your next f*g from the butt of your last one.
13. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice
bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu,
Quorn meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing',
they won't know the difference.
14. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice steak.
15. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and
bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
16. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the
roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things
like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
17. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
rolling over and going back to sleep.
18. Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately
punching anyone with whom you
disagree.
19. Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than
them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
20 Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish
bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing
manner.
21 HOUSEWIVES. The best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
22 OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address
books. Simply cross out the names and address of people
you don't know.