It's official, my OH is driving me crackers!

[Ziggy]

The only thing in my life that truly gives me pleasure ( apart from m children of course) is my pony.
Whilst up field today had stroppy call from husband saying where are you, can find children's clothes and don't you dare think you are staying up there all day.
Now I had only been up there 1-2 hours, hardly all day. Just wanted to check pony was ok in his stable while his companion went off for a lesson, was just on my way home anyway.
Now seriously fed up, am. Going to get same moan from hm every weekend?!
Anyone know good divorce lawyer, have seriously had enough!!!!
I never , ever moan whe he is fishing all day!!
Sorry just incredibly fed up

[gillwales]

poor you. If you do go down that road think very carefully, it's no fun being a single mum and money is always short.

be happy and keep a diary

[nia2311]

Nursey maybe a good idea to sit down with hubby and have a serious chat with him. This pony is your hobby (and the kids!) and he has to realise you will be out, especially at weekends/school hols. Explain to him that he has his hobby of fishing, and you don't pester him to be back at a certain time, and that your hobby is just the same. Explain that you are doing it for the benefit of your kids, and that it is a healthy and wholesome hobby - would he rather they were goggling at the TV or spending his money on designer clothes?! Explain how bad his attitude is making you feel and that he is upsetting you. Sometimes men don't appreciate that their words/behaviour are actually upsetting you and maybe telling him straight will make him see that? I have been quite blunt with my hubby on occasions, and often he hasn't realised what he's said, or that it would annoy/upset me.

PS- Mine is generally a very good egg, so not actually complaining!

[sellyblue]

I just left mine he's horsey just wants a skivvy though to sort his out and follow him round shows being a groom
Would of been lovely if it worked both ways
I've got 2 kids and last count 6 ponies and one on loan about to get an ex racer for me and never been happier money isn't everything x

[rightrein92]

I'd have a serious chat without compromise would any of us be happy I have to go off roading and help fix land rovers and he has to help with my ponies put hay in Feild redo water and take me to shows he never bothered with horses before he met me I soon got that straightened out.

[sellyblue]

Oct 20, 2012 18:58:11 GMT rightrein92 said:

I'd have a serious chat without compromise would any of us be happy I have to go off roading and help fix land rovers and he has to help with my ponies put hay in Feild redo water and take me to shows he never bothered with horses before he met me I soon got that straightened out.

Totally agree with the compromise part of things
My ex was only happy if I was following him round like a puppy when it came to my ponies or my shows he was nowhere to be seen and I'd still have his lot to sort out and tea to cook when I got home
Couldn't put up with his selfish behaviour any longer and absolutely loving life at the moment

[rightrein92]

Totally agree with the compromise part of things
My ex was only happy if I was following him round like a puppy when it came to my ponies or my shows he was nowhere to be seen and I'd still have his lot to sort out and tea to cook when I got home
Couldn't put up with his selfish behaviour any longer and absolutely loving life at the moment[/quote]
Having the courage to do what is right by you is a really great thing if your not happy it's easier to go it alone as do as you d**n well please as sellyblue says it was the best thing for her you need your hobby to be fun not rushed and squandered because your partner doesn't want you there tell him to like it or lump it.

[frozzy]

My OH didnt know one end from another when we met 31 years ago. Now he mucks out, feeds, turns out and can run the yard when I am ill or working. Every night at 9 winter and summer he lets dogs out and checks water and hay.A real gem.
He does though have his limits and was getting a bit pee'd off when the numbers started rising and not decreasing. I have arranged the sale of two youngsters loaned two out and possibly a third and he is walking round with a smile on his face and much more amenable. I still have 6 others tho !!!

[ruftytuftyrider]

My OH hates our pony (and have to say pony is not that fond of him either) but as already said it is about compromise and organisation.

We very rarely ride at weekends so we can have family time so it is 30 mins approx in the morning and the same in the afternoon. Tide before work or on my day off or after school/work.

It is very difficult, I have thought about leaving a number of times but at the end of the day when I weighed up the pros and cons I stayed.

[Redsky]

Despite his many faults, I must admit my OH is very good when it comes to pony time, he only moans when, I spend too long there in the morning after doing a night shift as he gets it in the neck if I'm tired but he would deffo start to moan if I left him with the kids while I went to the farm. Would yours be happier if the kids went with you so he could get on with whatever he wanted to do? Mine is quite well trained now He is very handy and has done loads of stable building, flagging, laying planings, lorry maintainence etc

[nia2311]

All the nice things I said about my OH before? I take them back. I've been asking him to cut the front hedge for ages now. He "did" it this morning. However, when my friend took me out earlier, I realised he's only cut the bit I can see from the dining room window. The bit on the street side hasn't been touched, nor has the top so it looks just as pants to the neighbours who all have neat hedges. I am fuming. He told me he'd done it and it looked like it from the house, but he's not even done half of it. Asked him why and he said he couldn't be bothered!! Well. Maybe I need the divorce lawyer number too.........

[vikki85]

My OH is pretty good when it comes to the ponies - we've been living together for a year now, and our finances are still pretty separate so I think he's happy as long as its not costing him any money. He also likes to go off and play football or watch footy matches at the weekend so I can spend as long as I want at the yard we don't have kids yet, he says he doesn't want a girl as it'll cost him money as I'll insist she has a pony (he clearly doesn't realise boys can get into riding just as much as girls!)

[ruftytuftyrider]

Agree with Redsky mine would definitely moan if I left daughter with him - I am lucky as my mum lives round the corner so leave daughter with her when I head up the field.

In the last 14 years I have only left daughter with husband twice - if I ever go out which is once in a blue moon daughter stays with my mum - and on the first occasion when she was about 3 years old got a phone call from husband (we were at theatre) saying she had been sick - what did he do, where were the sheets - so ended up coming home settling daughter then going back out to pick my mum up from theatre. Second time I went out when she was about 10 got home to find husband asleep and daughter wide awake! Hence why I never leave daughter with hubby.

[sometime]

Compromise all the way my oh has ocd and hates dirt hair and mud but we have a cat and dog that live in the house and 4 ponies that he pays everything for as I cant work. He poo picks once or twice a week to give me a day off, he cooks cleans and irons the clothes when he needs to he is better at it than me and some days I am too sore to do it. He is very good to me drives and pays for the lorry and makes sure it is in good order and legal. Pays entries for my rider to go to dressage, jumping and shows and all this on a relatively low income so he goes without so the ponies get the best.
I feel sometimes he is too good and does too much but he is really happy if he can don his showing gear and take a clean. well handled and beautiful pony off me and go into the ring and win a ribbon. He has no idea how it gets that way or the work, feeding and care that involves he just likes to go and win small price to me to let him get the glory
Mta He also cared for the kids when I did ride when they were babies and small children so I could ride out and spend hours at the yard but I did work then and it was my break from work as when I was at work I was there for 100 hours a week for 6 months of the year

[gillwales]

Redsky and ruftytuftyrider, do you mind me asking, are your OHs your children's father? If so are they not capable or willing to look after their own offspring? If not then they should be ashamed of themselves!

sorry no offence to either of you ladies

[Redsky]

He does have my youngest at home on occasion but the times I am at the farm in the evening, he is very often still working and she is a bit of a handful at times do he wouldn't be best pleased if I dropped her off at his shop every evening, if he is off work or working from home then he will happily keep her at home, I should've said if I left her with him every time I went to the farm he would start to get naffed off. Very often she wants to come with me anyway, and always seems to want to ride when its raining, strange child
And no offence taken He is the father of the girls age 5+16 but not to my son who is 21 Its like Shameless in my house

[gillwales]

In fairness Redsky I can understand why you do not drop off your daughter when your OH is at work, my children used to help me with the ponies its a good way for them to spend their time. I have no patience with men who are either incapable or not prepared to look after their own children, which era are they residing in??? WE are no longer in a time where the man goes out to work and the woman looks after the children, in most relationships the woman goes out to work, it annoys me when we are still expected to be a housewife on top of contributing to the bills and do the work in the house and organise the children, esp when the man does no DIY..... sorry minor rant over!!

[nia2311]

Well my OH is not my son's biological Dad but I have no qualms whatsoever in leaving OH to look after him. He is his Dad is all other respects and he is perfectly capable of doing everything necessary. When I ended up in hospital for a week recently, my OH cared for our son at home, by himself. Yes, the house was a bit messy and the cooker hadn't been cleaned properly (nor the hedge cut!!) but everything was basically in order. I also find it strange that men cannot be trusted to care for their own children!!

[ruftytuftyrider]

Yes my OH is our daughter's biological father. Unfortunately he is like his mother and gets more so as he gets older - the world revolves around him. It was husband who wanted a child (I wanted a puppy but would not swap daughter for anything). He was jealous of daughter from day one - I think he thought I would just hand her over to my mum and would continue running around after him!

His father worked long hours (to avoid spending time with hubby's mother [he was lovely and totally understand why he wanted to avoid her - she is evil]) and his mother left him to fend for himself from age 5 years. He used to walk to school across a busy main road from age 5. She never played with him or did anything with him, for christmas he got presents like a pillow or a quilt - clothes at best. His mother views all animals as an inconvenience.

I think because of how he was treated as a child he does not know how to treat children - he does not have any patience with them and is intollerant. He does not know what a normal childhood is and how to interact with them. Plus he works very long hours in a very high pressure job and because he is a natural worrier (like his mother) he gets very stressed.

On the flip side I had a very happy childhood, was an only child and was never short of company - my grandparents lived with us so could always cook with my nan or garden with my grandpa, my dad was my hero and no matter what was always on my side, my mum was as loveable and fun as she is now plus I had the most loving golden labrador. We always had pets and took them on holiday with us. I had a fun childhood and want daughter to have the same.

As a result daughter is a mummy's girl and only really wants to be with me - we have the same interests: would both rather be outside, like adventure activities etc.

Husband and daughter do argue a lot because husband is inflexible and daughter when faced with inflexibility mirrors it whereas with me we can always work out a solution. I usually end up being referee :-(

PS: Not offended by comment just explaining. Things are not always black and white there are often lots of grey areas in between.

[nia2311]

Ruftytufty - I hope you don't think our questions are rude, they weren't intended to be. I'm sorry to hear your hubby finds child raising difficult. I have a similar example.

My Dad was sent to boarding school aged 8 and was then only a minor inconvenience to his parents and their high flying social life during the school hols. Once he got to be a teenager, he didn't even need supervising during the hols. He did his National Service at the end of the 1950s, got a job just like his Dad in a bank and started to live the life of a playboy. He never learned about normal home life, normal relationships with women, how to behave around women and children. My Dad is now in his 70s, and it is only since my son was born in 2002 that he has "got" child rearing. Until my son was about 7, I wouldn't let my Dad take him out alone, as I didn't think he was capable. How awful is that?! I reckoned by age 7-8, my son would ensure he stayed with his Grandpa and wouldn't get lost, or left behind, and would remember to ask for lunch etc. To be fair, my Dad has put a LOT more effort into being a Grandpa than he ever did as a Dad.

People mature at different ages. For my Dad, it was approximately 70!!

[dawnie]

Nursery ... spend some extra time at home with your husband and be a good girlie like he expects! Take time on your home OCD style ... and pick out all those "man" jobs that need doing and more also don't forget to trot round after him and nag the hell out of him. Drag him off to B&Q on a "family" outing. Get some "house style" magazines to fill that extra time you could be spending with your ponies by flicking through the pages and suggest lots of projects that could be started on your home and garden and demand his full attention to the pages of the magazine..do not give him a moments peace what so ever. It will put the fear of God in him and he will be packing your flask and butties and sending to you ponies so he can have some peace and quiet!

[gillwales]

rufttuftyrider, funny how men turn out like their mothers! My ex did too, glad to say when he moved to Scotland the evil witch followed him and moved in next door! My dear old Mum always said that God pays his debts without money!!! However whatever way your family runs if it suits you all then that's all that matters.

[nici]

My OH is perfectly content for Cerys & me to spend as much time with the ponies as we please, as that means he's left alone with his Sky Sport or in the pub. His only "rule" is that, if I've asked him to make dinner, we're back by 6pm, which is a bit awkward at this time of year - I'd rather have dinner at 7 so we can make the most of the last of the daylight. However he has to be up at 2am for work, so I don't complain

I'm sure it would be different if I left Cerys with him all the time while I went to the ponies, but I rarely do that - they're her ponies and she needs to look after them. Only on my full work days in Spring and Autumn do I do the ponies on my own, and that's because I can do them on my way home from work. In summer I go straight home for tea and we both go up afterwards, in winter it's too dark to see them on my way home, so my OH does them on his way home from work - the advantage of a 2am start is that he finishes in daylight, unlike me.

[Deleted]

I just wouldn't put up with any of that... I have changed my husband but never my ponies

[ruftytuftyrider]

Nia I didn't think question was rude at all. I am not at all blind to my husband's faults and whilst I am aware of his childhood I do not think it is totally to blame really it is the fact that he is soo like his mother. On the flip side my father had a very poor childhood, never enough food on the table, sent to an outdoor school as suffered with his health, and his mother was awful but then he met my mother and saw how it could be, was welcomed by all my extended family and was a fabulous father to me and grandfather to our daughter - I miss him every day. I will hope that one day my husband grows up but I am not holding my breath. I am glad your father is enjoying being a grandfather.

Gillwales that made me smile - wish my mother in law would move away but unfortunately hubby would not move with her - the plus side is that he would never suggest she lives with us or closer to us - phew!!!

You are totally right in that arrangements that work for one family wouldn't work for another - sometimes it is knowing which battles are worth fighting and which aren't.

[busymare]

Hope you've managed to discuss things with your OH Nursey- hopefully he will recognise his own selfishness?

My advice is treat him like any other animal- lay the groundwork and then reward good behaviour!

At suitable moments I say things like, "You've been working such long hours she's really missed spending time with you" which gets the response of "I've missed her too, I'm sorry baby we'll have a Daddy day soon". Then keep dropping the hints and a Daddy day becomes his idea!

Then reinforce with lots of comments on how much fun she's had with daddy, how happy she is etc...

My OH is very good anyway so perhaps my efforts are unnecessary but they can all be selfish if you don't give them a nudge in the right direction ;-)

[LinsopStud]

Sometime, your fella sounds like a star, can I borrow him!!?

[Kerbeck]

Sorry but I can't believe some of you don't feel like they can leave their children with their own dads! I really feel that is terrible! My som is 5 in December, My partner is self employed and works long hours, quite often is out of the house for 7.30 and not back until after 8pm, our weekends plus Monday afternoons are our only real time together. Every week day I have to see to my pony, work 6 hours, get my son to and from school, bath him, make his tea, put him to bed etc etc so I have very little time to my self - I often don't sit down until after 10 pm and most of the time don't even sit on the sofa - I go straight to bed! My partner will look after our son when ever I want, he understands how lonely and stressful it is me being on my own all week and loves me going off to ride or to the gym or out with my friends for tea etc etc. In return he can concentrate on his business and know that our son is happy and the house is clean and tidy, fridge always full etc. But above all else he enjoys spending father son time with Alex and loves taking him to football training, or taking him to watch Rugby or even just staying in and playing on the Wii or watching a bit of TV. I thought a relationship was about give and take, it is hard to manage everything but we seem to juggle everything quite well considering and we would not be together if he complained about watching his own child for a couple of hours!

[gillwales]

Kerbeck, your OH is officially being awarded a full set of brownie points and a pat on the back

[parsnip]

Reading this I realise I've married a saint - it's strange, isn't it, in this day and age that so many men can't 'do' looking after children or housework? It's not like women are born knowing how to do these things! My hubby wasn't in the slightest bit horsey when we met but has given up so much time to help with my and the kids' ponies - including driving us everywhere as I don't drive. I'm often an ungrateful old bag I realise (currently sitting here on his laptop drinking his beer while he sorts out filing and minds toddler!) He doesn't really understand showing and retreats to the car with his crossword when we show. Jumping he likes - and hunting. Continually says that he doesn't understand why everyone who has a horse doesn't hunt! He poo picks daily, built the stables, minds bonkers toddler while we ride and chats to pony people .... often calming things down when I get fraught. He did look after our eldest (now 18) when I went back to work when son was 3 mths old and then workd nights; looked after Daughter No 1 so that I could finish my degree....He's a ruddy saint ...... I might let him have a swig or two of this beer!