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Post by nia2311 on May 12, 2013 15:04:33 GMT
Gah! Fresh on the heels of several expensive hen dos and weddings in London, my 3 good friends sent a text round today: " Why don't we go for a girly weekend away, have a catch up etc. Its been AGES since we all got together blah blah." Okay - 2 friends migrated to London, so we don't see them so often. The other lives 1/2 a mile from me. I am the only one with a child, they are all married, but blissfully responsibility free. They all have very well paying jobs (chartered accountant, data analyst with Goldman Sachs, Head of Year in a private school) and have husbands with good jobs (solicitor, bank traders x2). They don't have a child going into secondary school in Sept like we do, with the associated cost of the uniform etc. So, I replied saying, considering we have all travelled down to London several times in the past 18 months for weddings, hen dos etc. at great expense, why can't they come HERE and we just have lunch/teas out, a day trip etc? I got a reply saying "we want to go away 1-2 nights but somewhere cheap-ish." Their idea of cheap is certainly not mine!! I baulked at paying £25 for a bottle of wine on a night out, I was told that was reasonable. And there are many such examples. Basically, clearly I can't go. Hubby and I are basic lecturers and earn less than half between us than our friends earn individually. I want to see my friends and spend time with them, but how can I when they want to do things I can't afford? When they've all had kiddies, and my son is 14/15, I will start organising things THEY can't come to, just to let them know what its like!! Humph!!  |
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Post by 19simeon56 on May 12, 2013 17:00:32 GMT
Not being too awful and I'm probably old enough to be your mother so been there etc.,I would expect 'good' friends to be a bit more aware of the differences in your/their circumstances and act accordingly.The problem,as I see it,is that they have got used to the 'good life' and their inflated incomes and are living up to/beyond their incomes.Ask yourself 'would I want to be in their shoes or am I happy with my life the way it is',you may not have the 'trappings' but I bet,deep down, you lead a happier more fulfilled life than your friends do.
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Post by nia2311 on May 12, 2013 17:11:03 GMT
Oh I am quite happy with my life, and my friends are aware of my means. They just have NO idea how much bringing up children cost. On our income, it all goes on our son, our house, our pets and running my car. There's nothing left for socialising, eating out, holidays or anything else. Just affording the secondary school uniform/equipment is going to be a strain to be honest. And they KNOW that. So I am annoyed at their lack of consideration at a time of year where they KNOW I have this huge expense coming up. We have forfeited family holidays/outings so we could attend their weddings etc in London - trains, hotels etc. but there doesn't seem to be any consideration the other way? There's no reason the London lot couldn't come here, stay in our spare rooms and just enjoy some cheap day trips. That would be fine, I wouldn't mind that. But no, they want to go away for not one, but TWO nights etc etc. Its just inconsiderate. We all went to school together, we've know each other 17 years, but we seem to be on different wavelengths, increasingly. They have big shocks coming when they have kids.
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Post by Em5 on May 12, 2013 17:39:24 GMT
On the plus side at least they still invited you..... Wouldn't you feel far worse if they wanted to do their Girly night away but because they know your circumstances didn't invite you as they knew you couldn't afford it?  I think I'd feel far worse if I hadn't been invited. You can't expect your friends to not want to do these things just because one of you can't afford it! It would be nice if they would offer a night out in your area as well as their night away...... |
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Post by nia2311 on May 12, 2013 17:45:24 GMT
This is about the 87th time they have invited me to things they know d**ned well I can't come to though. Either through cost, or the fact they make decisions the day before, which you can't do when you have kids. "Want to come to the cinema tonight?" Err, no I can't as I have a child at home and a husband teaching evening classes (they know). "Lets go to XYZ festival tomorrow." Nope. "Have spare concert tickets for Wednesday evening." Sorry, its a school night..... Etc. I am going to do it to them when they have kids! Feels like I say no to socialising all the time. All I can suggest is they come here for a meal, we meet up during the day on the weekend, or watch a kid friendly film, but often those suggestions are not taken up, or cancelled with 10mins notice.
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Post by 19simeon56 on May 12, 2013 22:13:09 GMT
The question is,do they intend having kids as that will cramp their style big time.I would say you've grown up and they haven't as I find it rather thoughtless/selfish of them to keep inviting you to do's they should know aren't feasible.In your shoes I think I'd rather not be invited (what the ears/eyes don't hear/see,the heart won't grieve over).
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Post by Guestless on May 13, 2013 9:30:34 GMT
I can see this from both sides. I would be miffed to be "left behind", but the fact they have fewer responsibilities is why they can be spontaneous and you can't really grudge them that right. However, if they genuinely want to include you in their activities, then it does seem a bit selfish to always arrange something that is quite expensive for you. Have you tried being blunt? I would probably text them all and say sorry guys I can't join you on this one as I can't afford another expensive trip. Can we make the next one more local so I don't end up eating beans on toast for a month? If they're not prepared to tailor some of their outings to accommodate you, then I think you need to question whether they are asking you because they have to, or because they want to. |
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Post by lampshade on May 13, 2013 13:42:44 GMT
I understand how you feel. Years ago there was nothing I would enjoy more than a weekend with the girls. We would go away a few times a year maybe to a different city for a couple of nights. Good laugh. As time has gone by the cost of these weekends got too expensive for me so I wouldn't go with them every time just a couple of weekends per year. This has escalated to weekends in different countries. Marbella is there favourite at the moment, they have turned into celebrity spotters I am sure. They once spent a few hours in a bar in Marbella and ran up a £1000 bill, they thought it was funny, (bl**dy ridiculous if you ask me). There is no way on this earth that I could keep up with them even if I wanted to. I have said no to them so many times now that they don't bother inviting me anymore. I must say that I do see them here at home and they do understand that for me it is too expensive. They enjoy spending their money in this way, I don't, all my money is spoken for. You just have to try to get the balance right and stay within your means (money wise) whilst still keeping in touch with them. I love my friends and if thats what they want to spend their money on its fine, I have different responsibilities and outlook to them and they understand that. I am sure that you will work something out, however frustrating it may be right now.
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Post by nia2311 on May 13, 2013 16:59:24 GMT
Thanks for the replies guys. I don't mind what they do with their money - its theirs, they earn it and they can do what they like. My issue is, when it is a group thing, why automatically go for the expensive option? The away from home option? What is wrong with meeting up and doing something free/cheap? The London lot are out for dinners, theatre, after-work drinkies etc every couple of days!! Their social lives down there are more than catered for, and that's brill. But if they want me, as a Northern peasant, to join in, either they need to come here for once (which they haven't socially for 2yrs), or choose a day out that's cheap. They know perfectly well I have the senior school kit to buy - we all went to the very same school my son is about to join. They know I am only part time and have a husband working evenings. And they made jolly sure their London based hen-dos and weddings were a)in term time, and b)in relatively dear hotels! Time to come back up North!
What is lacking is planning, and an appreciation of what is reasonable/cheap to one person is dear to another. They've got into London-centric pricing, where £1200 a month for a one-bed flat is normal. You can rent a 7-bed house round here for that (seriously). A one-bed flat in this town is available for £250-300. And yes, they do express a wish to have kids in the near-ish future, but by gum they will have a culture shock! No more after work drinkies, no more late night cinema trips, no more theatre on a Friday and no more expensive weekend breaks. They won't know what's hit them, and maybe I will get a bit of understanding then??
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Post by honeypot on May 13, 2013 20:05:58 GMT
My husband works in London and we spent a few days there last month free because he gets to stay at Hilton hotels a lot. There seems to be very much a different mind set there, lots of DINKYs, restaurants full of people spending lots of money.
I always have thought that the company is more important than the venue, some of the best nights and holidays I have had have been very cheap. I bought tickets and a hotel for the Olympics last year, my husband wasn't interested so I asked a friend to go with me. I wouldn't let her pay as she was doing me the favour coming with me, my attitude was I wanted to go and their company was more important than wether they could or wanted to pay for the tickets and we had a great time and are going to do something again this year.
I have always been a lover of charity shops and cheap deals, perhaps a competition to see who can get the best deal?
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Post by pollycrystal on May 14, 2013 18:20:37 GMT
Another thing which annoys me is the fashion nowadays of having really expensive hen weekends ( or longer) abroad. My daughter was chief bridesmaid for her oldest friend last year, and the hen do was a week in Lanzarote, my daughter is a single parent of two small children and could not afford to go, she had to make an excuse and felt a bit embarrassed. Her friend is aware of her circumstances, and of course the bride is entitled to go whereever she wants, but when did this fashion start, I think it is ridiculous. The same thing is going to happen next year as well, as she is a bridesmaid again.
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Post by nia2311 on May 14, 2013 18:54:55 GMT
Don't get me started on hen dos!! Mine was an £8 per night bunk-barn in the middle of nowhere (bring your own sleeping bag & pillow!), food & drink bought and prepared by the same friends aforementioned, with the Saturday spent Geo Caching (free!) somewhere in the Yorkshire Dales. We didn't go to a pub, even. We stayed in the bunk barn on the Fri/Sat nights drinking cheap plonk and playing silly games! The total cost to each person for the weekend was about £30. 3-4 years later, when the friends got married, the hen dos are costing £150-200 and involve spa breaks etc. Now why was my hen do so cheap? Was it because I was the first to get married, and some folks were still doing postgrads or just starting their first graduate job? I think it was! So THEIR financial circumstances dictated the weekend (I had no idea what was planned at all!). Shame they can't consider my financial circumstances now, eh? By the way, my hen weekend was ace, I wouldn't change it. MUCH more fun that prissing about with face packs and pretentious restaurants  |
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Post by mara on May 17, 2013 18:42:44 GMT
Another thing which annoys me is the fashion nowadays of having really expensive hen weekends ( or longer) abroad. My daughter was chief bridesmaid for her oldest friend last year, and the hen do was a week in Lanzarote, my daughter is a single parent of two small children and could not afford to go, she had to make an excuse and felt a bit embarrassed. Her friend is aware of her circumstances, and of course the bride is entitled to go whereever she wants, but when did this fashion start, I think it is ridiculous. The same thing is going to happen next year as well, as she is a bridesmaid again. There was a columnist in our local paper bemoaning this very thing today! Nia - I would be very blunt these days - as Guestless suggests - a text/email etc saying sorry can't afford it as eating beans gets very boring. I'm not convinced they're true friends if they can't recognise not everyone falls into the same wage bracket or lifestyle as they seem to want, nor are they true friends if they can't make the effort to come up to you - perhaps they feel they've moved on to the 'higher' side of life & don't want to return to their more normal beginnings? As you say - if they decide to have children they will get a huge shock coming to them! This just makes me glad I escaped the pretentions & trappings of living in or around London when I was growing up. |
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Post by gillwales on May 18, 2013 5:18:41 GMT
my beloved used to have a boys night in, he and his mates who were scattered around this fair isle would get together on skype with a beer in hand and put the world to rights, not the same I know but took advantage of the modern world we live in. Get together with your friend who lives near you and invite the townies for some fresh air, between the 2 of you you should be able to plan and accomadate your mates from the smoke
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Post by nia2311 on May 18, 2013 15:34:52 GMT
Its all gone quiet, since I reminded them how much my lad's school uniform was costing us this summer.... Maybe they're actually considering the idea that we can have a nice weekend by staying in our spare rooms and going on some cheap day trips?! Maybe I need to get a promotion and start living the high life?!  |
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Post by dsmum on Nov 2, 2013 17:44:28 GMT
Could you not explain to them? If they are good friends perhaps they could split the cost of you going between them? The situation in time might be reversed - life is like that sometimes.x
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Post by viking on Nov 2, 2013 18:49:38 GMT
To be honest, I just think you will have to accept that your life and theirs are now very different. You have moved apart.
Once children come along, it inevitably happens.
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Post by nici on Nov 7, 2013 23:35:17 GMT
This is another old thread that's been dragged back up. Nia2311 doesn't appear to have logged in for about 5 months.
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I think I'd feel far worse if I hadn't been invited. You can't expect your friends to not want to do these things just because one of you can't afford it! It would be nice if they would offer a night out in your area as well as their night away......
