How to deal with this?
Guest
|
Post by How to deal with this? on Mar 15, 2018 19:05:32 GMT
My husband of nearly 35 years goes away on business twice a year.I have always trusted him implicitly. Today my adult daughter saw some emails on his computer from as woman in the city where he goes ( he is going tomorrow) which clearly imply that they are having an affair. My daughter said she was going to tell me, so he got in first, very apologetic, it means nothing etc. This is the last time he is going to that city as he is retiring from the job there, so it was all going to be called off anyway. My daughter is terribly upset, says she has lost all respect for her dad, but tbh I'm in a bit of a weird state of mind. I know I should be having a meltdown, telling him to bugger off etc, but I don't really feel a lot. He says he only loves me, doesn't want to split up, and neither do I really because I've got 4horses here and that sounds really shallow, but where would I go, the house is too big for me to manage on my own. To add to the mix, he found some suspicious lumps in his neck, which is very worrying and until that gets investigated, I'd rather concentrate on that. My daughter doesn't know about this, no point in worrying her till we know what it is. Anyone else been in a similar situation and what did you do? Thanks.
|
|
|
Post by Philippa on Mar 15, 2018 19:25:53 GMT
Wow. Firstly I’m so sorry for your situation. You are probably in the numb stage at the moment. You sound very stable. There will be a whole host of people who tell you he should leave and you shouldn’t take him back. There will be people who think you are stupid if you do. However, this is YOUR life and YOUR decision. Anyone who is worthy of your friendship will accept your choices and say no more. Your true friends will be there to support you if and when you need them. Your daughter may be a little more difficult, this is her dad and he has not only betrayed her but he’s betrayed her mum too. She will be hurting for both of you. You are going to have to sit down and talk to her sooner rather than later before the rot sets in. I’d probably tell her about the lumps too. She may understand your reasoning a little more. Everything is so raw at the moment. Everything is going to take time and effort. I wish you well in all your decisions and hope you can all come out of this happily. Xxx
|
|
How to deal with this?
Guest
|
Post by How to deal with this? on Mar 15, 2018 20:20:47 GMT
Thank you Philippa. I don't want to tell any one to be honest, maybe least said etc, I am quite a private person, I don't like everyone knowing my business, hence the guest posting. My daughter has also gone on holiday today, poor girl, she will be thinking all sorts while she's away, I would give anything for her not to have found out. Anyway, best to wait till the medical report back, maybe it will all be sorted out in the worst way, and I will have to deal with everything on my own after all. Gosh that was morbid wasn't it? Thanks for taking the time to give your support xx
|
|
|
Post by Philippa on Mar 15, 2018 22:42:11 GMT
You sound a very strong person but you may need a arm of support. If you have a close friend you could confide in in total confidence I'm sure it would help. Otherwise feel free to take support on here.
Take care and stay strong,xxx
|
|
How to deal with this?
Guest
|
Post by How to deal with this? on Mar 16, 2018 10:08:39 GMT
I actually think I am quite selfish, as I don't really want my life to change, I like where I live and having my horses at home. So I'm determined no one is going to spoil it for me. I'm sure we can work it out.xx
|
|
|
Post by gillwales on Mar 16, 2018 12:29:25 GMT
I would make him email this woman telling her that it is over between them. I do feel for you. Work out, and it seems that you have, what you want from your life and stick to it. The only thing I will say is if you decide that you are going to overlook this then for you to have a successful life together you have to let it go and not throw it up in his face, because it will eat you up if you don't. Philippa is right, you will need to talk about this with your daughter, I think you also need to explain your husband's health issues so she fully understands. But then it is down to your Husband to sort out the relationship between him and her, you sort out your relationship with your daughter. Good luck x
|
|
How to deal with this?
Guest
|
Post by How to deal with this? on Mar 16, 2018 13:08:45 GMT
Thank you, you are absolutely right about not going on and on about it. He is in the city where she lives at the moment, he went this morning for the last time and has promised to end it. I think he is very sorry, ( or is it just because he has been found out?), however I have always said there are many worse things that happen to families. I was convinced he was going to tell me one of the grandchildren had been in a terrible accident or worse, so in a way it wasn't that bad at the time. My daughter also went away last night, but I have text her and told her I am fine, and I will have a long talk to her when she gets home. Will have the week on my own to think about everything, and face the medical thing next week. Many thanks for your support.
|
|
|
Post by gillwales on Mar 16, 2018 13:24:45 GMT
Well you have a week to sort it all out. Divorce is messy, expensive and worse of all eats up your life. I think you are right in not talking to anyone about it as it will make it harder to live with if you do. However I would get myself some insurance, copy any bank details, wage slips, savings accounts, pension details etc. Keep them safe and secure, as it might just be that your hubby changes his mind, he has already been deceitful.... Sorry to throw a possible spanner in the works. I went throw a horrid divorce so I know to a degree what you are feeling, feel free to pm if you want to x
|
|
|
Husband
Mar 16, 2018 13:35:46 GMT
via mobile
Post by Philippa on Mar 16, 2018 13:35:46 GMT
I hope you can all sort this and I hope your husbands medical issues turn out to be nothing major.
Take care xx
|
|
|
Post by honeypot on Mar 18, 2018 8:51:59 GMT
I understand why you are behaving the way you are, and I think that is sensible. My only thoughts are that he has deceived you about one thing just make sure there is nothing else. I would try and get information about all your finances, his pension etc, do a bit of sleuthing. If you have a scanner, scan everything you think may be important. I have two friends who's long term relationships of many years broke up and both ex partners hid money and where absolute s****. Neither were prepared for the underhand dealings that went on, despite protestations of love from their ex's. I can not imagine the range of emotions you are going through, but just make sure he has more to lose than you. I can understand why your daughter is in turmoil, the decision to tell you must have been a hard one. I think you need to have a long chat with her and make sure she knows you are not being a doormat, just keeping your options open. My opinion is he any illness he may or may not have does not excuse his behaviour. Its time to look at your wills and make sure that you and your daughter are secure. When the dust has settles a little bit I would see a good solicitor. My husband and I are tenants in common so if anything happened to me my daughters get my share of the house, my husband has only an interest until its sold.
|
|
How to deal with this
Guest
|
Post by How to deal with this on Mar 22, 2018 19:17:53 GMT
Thank you everyone for the advice. I am certainly not going to let some trollop ruin my life. My husband is now home, admitting he has been a s***, and of course professing undying love. I am being very cool towards him, but I honestly think I will have to let things get back to normal if we are to carry on our lives together. I wish I was more financially aware, and computer literate, but unfortunately I have always let him do all that stuff. I think I do trust that he has left me financially secure, our wills have been made, so now I will have to wait for him to see a specialist about the other thing. Will let you know, thanks again x
|
|
|
Post by gillwales on Mar 23, 2018 9:47:13 GMT
Glad to hear that it is going well for you. You do need to become more savvy both on a computer and with finance. Go to your local library, they often have free courses. you could them progress to a short night class which would provide you with qualifications, not a bad thing to do for backup. Wait a bit for things to settle and then ask your Husband to explain money management to you. My Mum had a friend who was widowed and was in a big mess as she had no idea about anything to do with money, from how to pay the Council tax , to where the insurance policies were. You may well need to do this sort of thing if your Husband does have to go through treatment, and I would approach it from that point of view. Just remember knowledge is power! But yes for you both to move forward you will have to get back to the footing you had before you found out about his unfaithfulness. However if you do not have one open a savings account, so you have a little back-up fund if you need it. Don't go mad Just squirrel a little away at a time, do not do it from a card but in cash. Keep it a secret, yes I know it is not right to have secrets however under the circumstances it would be prudent, once again if he was to become sick or die then you have access to some funds without having to worry. I hope you have managed to explain things to your daughter and that your husband's health scare was just that. Good luck x
|
|
|
Husband
Mar 23, 2018 14:55:13 GMT
via mobile
Post by Unbelievable on Mar 23, 2018 14:55:13 GMT
Another woman prepared to stay with a man who betrays her, disrespects her, puts his bits in another woman, betrays his child, degrades his wife, staying with him for the lifestyle he offers!
Man up! Why disrespect yourself like this? Are you that desperate for his money and lifestyle? Value yourself woman, what is wrong with you? He might end it with her, might, but he will go elsewhere. Women make me sick.
|
|
|
Post by gillwales on Mar 23, 2018 21:26:52 GMT
Another woman prepared to stay with a man who betrays her, disrespects her, puts his bits in another woman, betrays his child, degrades his wife, staying with him for the lifestyle he offers! Man up! Why disrespect yourself like this? Are you that desperate for his money and lifestyle? Value yourself woman, what is wrong with you? He might end it with her, might, but he will go elsewhere. Women make me sick. Aren't you lucky to be able to be so judgemental. If you have never been in the position of having been betrayed then you will not understand where this Lady is at. She has been married for 35 years and to turn your back on that is very hard. You cannot turn love on and off, plus why should she give up her home and lifestyle? Personally I think that the blameless divorce is wrong; marriage is the only contract you can break without penalty. If those that betrayed their marriage vows had something else to loose maybe they would think twice, plus those opportunists that are happy to break up a marriage wouldn't bother if there was not going to be a payout at the end of the day.
|
|
|
Post by sjw87 on Mar 24, 2018 9:46:38 GMT
It's not for us to judge what the right thing to do is in this individual circumstance, however I just wanted to highlight one point: I am certainly not going to let some trollop ruin my life. Without knowing the content of the emails your daughter has seen, are you sure she's aware of you? If she is aware that he's married then both her and your husband are equally responsible for the betrayal. However, it commonly happens that married men tell women that they are separated and therefore the woman is not in the wrong as they have no idea about the wife at home. But please note that whichever of the above is true, the other woman is never more than 50% responsible. Don't let your husband convince you otherwise.
|
|
|
Post by honeypot on Mar 24, 2018 20:08:21 GMT
All I can say is both my friends trusted their husbands/partners. One husband had got her to sign loans that she had never read, she trusted him, they had three adult children. The other ex sold their home without her knowledge or giving her money, and she had to fight for it, they had three adult children. You have to become computer literate, its like using a telephone, a must in modern life. You daughter seems clued up, let her have a nose and copy paperwork. I have been married for nearly forty years, I love my husband but like naughty ponies if they can find a way to get out of something, or the grass is greener they tend to follow their nose. I would squirrel money away. If you have no income apart from what your husband gives you I would start paying for stuff on the debit card from a joint account and put cash on the bill to put in your account. Over the years I realised although I had worked I had become totally reliant on my husband for finances, everything was in joint names. I got my own credit card in my name, and own bank account. I now have a printout of our finances and his pension, which took a lot of nagging. We are tenants in common so it anything happened to me my will states my daughters will get my half, if your half is left to your husband he could remarry and leave your daughter out of the will. This happened to me. My attitude is if you are partners you should know everything that affects you both. I know it seems scary and perhaps you think this will go away if you nothing, and it may, but you will be reliant on his good grace. You do not have to be aggressive, be subtle, but strong.
|
|
|
Post by toofluffy on Apr 4, 2018 10:56:41 GMT
I have to say that I see both sides of this - I agree with 'unbelievable' above, you do need to have respect for yourself but that doesn't necessarily mean you throw him out and lose your own lifestyle. Its difficult to keep a large house and land by yourself! I have had TWO husbands have affairs so no one can say I don't know what I am talking about! The only problem is that once that trust has gone it is very very difficult to get it back and you can end up having the problem of running yourself ragged trying to keep tabs on them all the time! OP you need to have it out with him. You need to find out why he had the affair - take a good, long, cold look at your marriage and pick out ALL the faults because if he has done it once then he will probably do it again and again.
As for the computer and money - you are quite frankly being lazy - sorry its true. Grow a pair and take control of your own finances and learn how to use a PC. Get him to pay for lessons!
I have heard of so many women who end up with next to nothing because their crappy husbands have squirrelled away the money because 'he did the finances'.
|
|
not superficial at all
Guest
|
Post by not superficial at all on Apr 4, 2018 11:23:51 GMT
Mar 22, 2018 at 7:17pm How to deal with this said: I am certainly not going to let some trollop ruin my life.
No this woman "trollop" did not ruin your life. That was your husband who betrayed you and gave his emotions and body to another woman. Your husband is the one who has disrespected you not the other lady who might well not even know you exist! Put blame where it should be, right at your husbands door. Before you start Gill Wales my ex husband disrespected our marriage vows, we had a grand lifestyle and money. However I had more pride in myself worth and this is why he is my ex husband, I have a smaller house, only one horse, but am blissfully happy and not living with a person who broke my heart by acting on his sexual attraction. I could not have bared the thought of keeping him and him longing for her and thinking of her whilst having sex with me. But then I'm not superficial !
|
|
|
Post by gillwales on Apr 4, 2018 11:45:23 GMT
Mar 22, 2018 at 7:17pm How to deal with this said: I am certainly not going to let some trollop ruin my life. No this woman "trollop" did not ruin your life. That was your husband who betrayed you and gave his emotions and body to another woman. Your husband is the one who has disrespected you not the other lady who might well not even know you exist! Put blame where it should be, right at your husbands door. Before you start Gill Wales my ex husband disrespected our marriage vows, we had a grand lifestyle and money. However I had more pride in myself worth and this is why he is my ex husband, I have a smaller house, only one horse, but am blissfully happy and not living with a person who broke my heart by acting on his sexual attraction. I could not have bared the thought of keeping him and him longing for her and thinking of her whilst having sex with me. But then I'm not superficial ! I had no intention of starting on you. My first husband had an affair when I was expecting our second child, I had stood by him when he had open head surgery and was at one point blind, any money coming into the house at that point was what I earn't, It took 6 years of unmitigated hell to get divorced because of all the nasty schemes he and his evil Mother came up with, it cost me £10k and him over 30 k as the Legal Aide people would not reduce his costs; whereas they tried to charge me the least they could as they could see that the legal system had let me down, ( Divorce finalised in 94 when the amount spent on legal fees would have purchased a family house where I live ). However I can also understand where the OP is coming from, had I been in a marriage for over 35 years I would not be so happy to kick a cheating husband out of the door, nor do I think I could do so when he faced a possible cancer scare, I am not so heartless as people think! It would be very scary to face life on my own and to loose all that I had put into my marriage at that age. Why do we not have a "male" word for Trollope? Yes it is his fault, however if the woman knew he was married; and I would guess that she did, then she is a Trollope! Would anyone who has been let down play with another woman's toy? What we are and are not prepared to forgive is down to the individual, it does not mean that the OP is superficial, so I think in this case How to deal with this, it is a case of the pot calling the kettle black! Me being the kettle and you being the pot.
|
|
not superfical at all
Guest
|
Post by not superfical at all on Apr 5, 2018 11:51:04 GMT
Gill Wales "What we are and are not prepared to forgive is down to the individual, it does not mean that the OP is superficial, so I think in this case How to deal with this, it is a case of the pot calling the kettle black! Me being the kettle and you being the pot.
I had to Google the meaning "something you say that means people should not criticize someone else for a fault that they have themselves" Clearly I go rid on my cheating scum! So there fore this term does not apply to me :-) A person who stay with another for financial gain is in my view a sad person. It is my view and I am totally entitled to it Gill, just like you are entitled to yours. Why would you guess this woman know? The male was deceiving his long term wife why would he not deceive her !! When people post on the WWW for advice they need to expect a diversity of opinions, reflect on it Gill we are all not like you
|
|
How to deal with this?
Guest
|
Post by How to deal with this? on Apr 5, 2018 13:20:04 GMT
Thank you for all your opinions, all very valid. Some of you certainly don't mince your words! May I just list the ways in which various people's lives would be affected if I left or kicked my husband out. Firstly, me! None of this is my fault, so why should I lose my home and lifestyle, if that makes me a gold digger, so be it. I have contributed to it all as well, I haven't been sat on my bum for the last 35 years. My children. Although grown up, no child wants their parents to divorce. I have asked my younger daughter if she thinks I am being a doormat, she said of course it's between me and her dad, she won't always be living at home. My elder daughter doesn't know any of this has gone on, don't see the point in upsetting her as well, she has a young baby. My grandchildren. My eldest grand daughter was badly affected by her own parents acrimonious split a few years sgo, and we have always tried to make this house a stable place for her, and the others. However, I suppose she would just have to 'man-up' if it all came crashing down, wouldn't she? Also the ponies would have to go, as I am about to retire, and I certainly wouldn't be able to keep 4 at livery, so that would be the end of her beloved hobby. Still she can always hang round in town getting into trouble as an alternative. My ponies. I suppose the very old pony will have to be put to sleep, as he can't be rehomed at his age,despite me promising to always take care of him. He'll just have to 'grow a pair' as he is destroyed, won't he? I Anyway, I can't think beyond the possible diagnosis when we see the specialist yet. I will let you all know.
|
|
|
Post by Reflection time on Apr 5, 2018 14:04:05 GMT
I believe only you can make the decision and sometimes inviting opinions/advice can make your thoughts even more confusing. Timing always stinks! I found out my husband had been having a long standing affair at a very difficult time and like you my first decision was to put my childrens needs first. I also found I needed time to think and also talk to him about what had gone on rather than make a rash emotional decision. I am more of a 'head' over 'heart' decision maker. I only told a couple of really close friends who turned out to be real friends as they did not bombard me with 'you should do this' but just listened and accepted my decision. I did not want it to be public knowledge with all our friends and that also did put more pressure on me, but my choice. He did stay, I would have had to force him to leave as he had finished the affair and had no intention of leaving, like you it would have meant selling our house, possibly moving away from all our friends and I really didn't see why I should suffer and do that. I won't pretend it is easy to build trust and he did let me down by contacting said person again. That hurt more but I also think when he saw the pain he had caused it shook him to the core and over time we have rebuild our life. My advice is do what you feel is best for you and yours, accept that and don't look back with regret.
|
|
|
Post by gillwales on Apr 5, 2018 18:44:53 GMT
Gill Wales "What we are and are not prepared to forgive is down to the individual, it does not mean that the OP is superficial, so I think in this case How to deal with this, it is a case of the pot calling the kettle black! Me being the kettle and you being the pot. I had to Google the meaning "something you say that means people should not criticize someone else for a fault that they have themselves" Clearly I go rid on my cheating scum! So there fore this term does not apply to me :-) A person who stay with another for financial gain is in my view a sad person. It is my view and I am totally entitled to it Gill, just like you are entitled to yours. Why would you guess this woman know? The male was deceiving his long term wife why would he not deceive her !! When people post on the WWW for advice they need to expect a diversity of opinions, reflect on it Gill we are all not like you I do not expect everyone to be like me or think like me, however there have been people who have been abusive to the OP and IMO, unfairly and in spite, I have the right to say so. The reason I have said that I think the other woman is aware that she is having an affair with a married man is that the OP stated that the trip is an annual one and to her belief it only happens when he is away, I do not think many women would agree to meet a man just once a year, however I concede I could be wrong, but doubt it. I hope the OP manages to sort things out in a way that she is content with. As you can clearly see I did not keep my cheating b@rstard of a first husband, I do now have a loving faithful one, and he was worth waiting for
|
|
not superfical at all
Guest
|
Post by not superfical at all on Apr 6, 2018 13:06:12 GMT
On reflection OP and re reading my post I may have come across wrong. I apologise if you my comment caused you any distress. I am sure you are worth more than this man can offer. I am sure you are strong and powerful as you would need more strength to stay bay him. I do wish you luck and hope that no matter what you find future happiness xx
|
|
|
Post by gillwales on Apr 6, 2018 17:27:53 GMT
On reflection OP and re reading my post I may have come across wrong. I apologise if you my comment caused you any distress. I am sure you are worth more than this man can offer. I am sure you are strong and powerful as you would need more strength to stay bay him. I do wish you luck and hope that no matter what you find future happiness xx Fair play to you
|
|
How to deal with this?
Guest
|
Post by How to deal with this? on Apr 6, 2018 19:29:08 GMT
Thank you for your apology. I realise that I come across as weak/ lazy/ pathetic to some. No matter, I will see what the near future holds for us first.
|
|