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Post by julie on Dec 7, 2006 15:33:17 GMT
Life is so very depressing - I have to keep searching the posts for the humerous bits.... here's an experience of mine - anyone had a similar sartorial disaster? Or anything else thats remotely funny?  ?? decided to go to a local hunt show with my dartmoor and her son aged 6 - neither pony or child had met, we didnt have time to practice but pony good tempered so no problem. And there wouldnt have been if I had remembered to pack some tights (its been a long time since I did lead rein you see) I have ugly legs, not helped by blue veins/hair, never normally seen by mankind (and I mean by MAN) as they are always encased by jeans/socks. I did however have two legs of tights - why you ask? Well, thats because we got to a horse show having put sleeping child in lorry in her PJ's, forgetting totally about KNICKERS, so cut up a pair of old tights to give her the panty hose bit. So I hit upon a brilliant (sad isnt it) idea -I would safety pin the legs to my knickers, hey presto tights!! Well, this would have worked except for one big problem. I didnt have on my hold-you-in-no-matter-what-to-make-you-look-like-you-have-a-flattish-stomach pants on, but the old should-be-a-duster ones. I managed to walk 4 lorries away before I realised that every step brought the elastic-challenged pants sliding towards God's Green Earth. Somehow I managed with thighs tightly pressed together to turn me and the pony around and made it back to the lorry. Off came the posh shoes, my jodphur boots went on and I pulled my skirt down as far as I could - luckily its a midi length one. A narrow escape indeed.  |
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Post by skint on Dec 7, 2006 16:22:27 GMT
I once got stung by a wasp stood in the line up of a lean rein class, the wasp flew up under my skirt and stung me at the top of the leg. It must have looked so funny cos all the line was quiet and elegant and then I did a war dance with my skirt round my ears showing the biggest bridget jones knickers you have ever since and even worse Pop socks. I put the kid onto first ridden straight after and wear a disguise now
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Post by skint on Dec 7, 2006 16:22:59 GMT
PS I meant Lead Rein - on no account am I lean
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Post by embarrased on Dec 7, 2006 16:33:07 GMT
Well my funny story is about lead rein too.
It was about 5 years ago (no actually 7) and my child was just five years old. It was PUK or BSPS at Peterborough summer champs and surprise surprise it was blowing a gale and piddling with rain.
Those were the days when we all used to raid the local charity shops for long flowing pleated skirts and jackets with gold buttons if you were lucky (no matching £250 jackets in those days and certainly no burberry)
Anyway i remember being in the ring (believe it was the gold / silver ring so must have been PUK lobster pot championship and as i started my first trot round i was feeling very grand strutting my stuff in time with my exquisite pony accross infront of the crowd when a huge just blew my hat clean off my head. It revealed my wig (long Blonde) which was pretty much glued to my head but looked really naff without a hat covering up the parting!!
If that wasnt enough as i groped about trying to catch the hat in mid flight the pleated skirt also became airborn, displaying not quite my knickers (well i try to believe not) but certainly my blue pop socks and white flabby thighs.
To make matters worse we were placed that year so i had to stay in the ring for ages knowing all the male stewards were laughing at me!!
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Post by sallyw on Dec 7, 2006 18:49:23 GMT
Good grief, I wear pop socks and have fabby thighs - I mus get a longer skirt. These leaad rein classes must be a source of much humour. I threw the child on when late for a class and set off at a trot for the ring. I arrived at the ring entrance puffing badly to be told by the steward "this is a ridden class". Puzzled I looked behind to find the saddle unerneath the pony's tummy and the child running across the showground some distance away. Who forgot the tighten the girth?!!!
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Post by sallyw on Dec 8, 2006 8:46:33 GMT
Talking about things said to judges, years ago the ridden m and m's used to be ridden by the judge. In Welsh Sec A class the judge was well known glamorous person. "Goodness" she said to my daughter "this is a small saddle". No, said my daughter, its your bum thats big. I wonder why we were last! Same daughter also told judge she had chickenpox and mummy had made her ride because we thought she (the judge) liked our pony on another occasion.
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Post by Nikki on Dec 8, 2006 9:22:01 GMT
I think this thread should be renamed 'funny things children have said'.
My friend was leading her 4 year old son (much more interested in mechanical things than anything on 4 legs) in a class. The judge came over and asked him if he was enjoying himself. 'No' he replied ' I would much rather be in one of them than on this' pointing to a helicopter in the sky that was giving short rides. Needless to say he was unplaced. But don't you just love the honesty of small children............?
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woof
Full Member
Posts: 358
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Post by woof on Dec 8, 2006 11:38:01 GMT
Back on the theme of lead rein, I bought my youngest son a Sec A and at our first ever show he was 2nd, he had just learnt to rise to the trot and refused to do anything but trot whilst grinning from ear to ear, also always refused to hold the saddle!! Judge came with rosette and said to me how super the pony was and how if I could just get my jockey to hold the saddle it would all be so much nicer, with that the jockey (4 at the time) leant forward, put his face to the judges and with tight lips and stern voice said "I not holding the saddle cos if I do I can't STEER"!!!! The judge patted me on the back and told me to persevere it would be worth it. He has never held the saddle but still loves his riding!!
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Post by poo time on Dec 8, 2006 17:50:08 GMT
I have laughed lots today with my farrier so i thought i would share the experience.
He was booked for 11am but arrived at 9.45am - nothing like being punctual.
I was totally unorganised - wearing a floral skirt and slippers i opened the door. We exchanged our usual sarcastic greetings and then he moaned as my car was in the way so he couldnt back his van down to the stables. Obligingly i moved the car. The ponies were still out in the paddock (turned out 24hr at the mo) so they had to be fetched whilst still wearing floral skirt and slippers.
As i was walking one towards the stables the farrier had backed down and was walking about with brooms, barrows etc on the gravel. I suddenly remembered the dog had been whining at 4am to go out and whilst i was standing freezing cold in the doorway i had heard him squirting poo on the gravel (oh dear thought i at 4am - upset tummy - at least its not on the kitchen floor).
'Oh by the way said i, watch out for the dog poo - its a fresh deposit from 4am and ive not yet cleared it up.' Too late he had completely squelshed the already very runny poo!!
So after cleaning up his shoe (with me in histerics and spraying air freshener to wind him up more) he set to the first pony. Now this little fellow has been hunting for the past 3-4 weeks and whenever he comes in he believes its to go on the box and off to the hunt - hence excitement complete with runny poo!!
So yes youve guessed it - up came the tail and out came steams of green stinky runny poo!!
After clearing up the second lot of runny poo in twn minutes he proceeded to shoe the pony. One shoe was missing. Hmm never lost a shoe before so a good chance to joke about farrier being a beginner at the age of 64. Off i went round the paddock in skirt and slippers to find the shoe. Success but its bent right up so not really usable. On climbing back through the fence i get zapped by the electric fence which caused him some humour.
He then stops for bacon sandwich and the dog arrives to deposit another runny pile as he is eating!! Enough is enough for him, he starts talking about trying to find another occupation - like working in an office.
Oh says i - i have never thought of you as someone who would like a soft hand job!!
Well with that we both were crying with laughter.
Last but not least he was applying sole cushions in the form of resin into a ponies feet, the resin gun got blocked then cleared, throwing a superglue like substance all over his hands!!
It stuck three of his fingers together and an hours soaking they finally came apart with most of his skin intact!!
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Post by another laugh on Dec 8, 2006 18:30:28 GMT
a story told to me by a friend who was stewarding at a county show for a well known hunter judge:
judge, judges youngstock hunters in hand, finishes classes and goes off for lunch.
After finishing lunch comes out of marquee to be verbally abused by previous entrant of hunter class, shouting about how useless he was as a judge and that he should be struck off because she thought her horse should of won, telling him that he was only fit to judge cattle!!
As cool a s a cucumber the judge turned around and said;
My dear i can assure you if i were to be judging cattle then your horse would of been first...........CLASSIC !!!!
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Post by Candid camera on Dec 8, 2006 19:32:25 GMT
Last year I was judging lead rein ponies at a show. I was having a really good day, people seemed to be happy with my judging and I was starting to think I was quite good. It was really windy, and I felt something swirling round my ankles. Thinking it was a twig or string or rubbish, I tried to kick it out of the way. Horrors - I realised it was my skirt which had fallen down !!!
My first thought was, I can manage without it - the show must go on; but on reappraisal of my lack of slip and Bridget Jones knickers, I furiously pulled the hem of my jacket down to try to cover my posterior - nae luck, it was a short jacket!
I then had to retrieve my skirt and fasten it back round my waist. One of my stewards stood in front of me and the other fastened the clasp at the back extra carefully.
The children on ponies didn't bat an eyelid and the few mothers who had noticed were really sympathetic. Things were looking better, till I spotted the professional photographer at the ringside. I went through agonies till the end of the section, when I found to my enormous relief that he had missed the incident, though he did offer to film a re-run !
Next show I judged at was a big indoor show where I wore a new skirt, with a very large hidden 'nappy' safety pin !
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Post by sallyw on Dec 9, 2006 17:34:40 GMT
Changing the subject slightly (but only slightly) from knickers, I am trying desperately to get another groom after having to sack mine. The girl who came for interview today has had three years at a well known college. We'll get the little boys in I said - I wanted to see how she would handle the youngsters. They are actually both geldings (aged one and four) but for some reason she seemd to think they were colts. I gave her Stormy (4 yr old) and I led Sparky. Sparky jumped on Stormy and grabbed him by the neck - as they do - and this girl instantly dropped the lead rope and rushed off screaming. Sparky thought this was a new game and grabbed her by the back of her coat. She screamed even louder so Sparky let go. I managed to grab Stormy by which time she was already at the gate. I wish I had a camera as she tried to get the gate open only to give up and climb over as if pursued by the dogs of hell. She leapt into her car and after stalling it twice managed to get going and roar off. (this is hwre the knickers come in becasue hers may well be in the wash by now)I think I know what happened now. She obviously did her degree in the classroom and has never seen a real horse. She mistook the boys for two wild beasts (Stormy did have his hood a bit askew and was peering through one eye hole to say nothing of one of his ears being hidden from view) and thought she was being attacked and possibly in fear for her life. Where the hell do you get staff who have actually handled a horse and not just heard them talked about!
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Post by essendy on Dec 9, 2006 19:09:10 GMT
OK my story involves one cob and a lorry.
Go to 1st show with brand new horse.Had owned her 4 days.
Did the show which was entertaining.
So show complete we head for home.Shoves loaf of bread in cupboard which is within easy reach of cobs teeth.(lorry has small door between living and back.and horses faced forward)
Just as we hit the road mad mare breaks down door and is now in living area with head in cupboard eating bread.Didn't realize mare adored bread.I'm now in panic so dives into a petrol station .where I park up and sort out problem.
However numpty here hasn't put handbrake on hard enough and lorry begins to creep forward heading to petrol pump.Suddenly I'm aware of movement and turn round.To watch a petrified cop filling up his car as lorry head now rapidly to wards him.I just manage to pull hand break in time.By now I'm sweating buckets thinking I'm about to get booked for dangerous driving.Gingerly I alight lorry and approach copper who is now getting some colour in to his ashened face.
Poor man was so relieved that nothing was damaged that he gave me a hug and sent me on my way.
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Post by julie on Dec 11, 2006 16:06:42 GMT
well, shall I laugh or cry?
went dressaging Saturday, daughter moving like molasses as usual, husband away as usual, husband had left trailer in pit that used to be a turn out paddock but due to weather now resembles bog, takes me about 15 goes to hitch the d**n thing up, poxy lock on truck is lousy, so end up nicking fender, smashing a rear light and I havent even loaded the ponies yet! I was apolectic with rage, hit the steering wheel repeatedly and generally had my own road rage melt down in the comfort of my own drive. Loaded Dartmoor, all of 11.2hh into trailer, he bumps the breech bar with his hip and bang, it splits in two. Daughter ambles out, pick baseball cap on as if we have all the time in the world.....
get to first major roundabout and despite me indicating i am going left, white van man decides he'll come up on the outside and we narrowly miss being wiped out.
I mean really, what do you think I have done to deserve this run of foul luck? Am going to light fire, pour whats left of the gin, then soak in a bath AND I AM NOT GOING TO ANSWER THE .....Y PHONE! And now I have the problem pony with things growing in its ears......(see other thread)
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Post by lolly on Dec 12, 2006 11:56:43 GMT
Who Can Open the Gate? (a breed profile)
This story takes place in a big pasture, filled with all different kinds of horses. A question has just been asked amid the herd: "Who can open the gate?" Here's what they say ...
Lipizzaner: "No need for opening it! When are you all going to learn how to fly?!"
Thoroughbred: "Let's wait for the gate to open - when the bell rings!"
Paint: "Yeah, what he said! Na na na na na na!
Arabian: "You'll have to get somebody else to do it. My nails aren't dry!"
Quarter Horse: "Maybe if I push on it with my hindquarters, I could open it?"
Standardbred: "Pity on all of you. I'll figure it out. Just give me some time."
Polo Pony: "Wait a minute ... let me get my stick and give it a few whacks."
Shetland Pony: "Let me at it! I'll break the stupid thing and then you all can get outta my face."
Mules: "Oh, let's just pack it in and call it a day."
Saddlebred: "Now, now. I'll open it, if someone could help me with my shoes!"
Friesian: "I'll do it! But do you think it will mess up my hair?"
Mustang: "What's a gate?"
Belgian: "Step back! You all aren't strong enough to do it. I'll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?"
Morgan: "There, there. I'll do it for you. No need to have such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything else I could do for you after I get done with the gate?"
Appaloosa: "Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of sissies. No one is leaving 'till I say so."
Percheron: "I already opened the gate while you all have been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the other gates. So it'll be a while before I have to listen to all of you argue again!"
The Manual of Appropriate Behavior (for your horse)
1 - CHEWING. Make a contribution to the architectural industry ... chew on your stall wall, the fence, or any other wooden item.
2 - CHILDREN: Human children require much nurturing in order to develop a health self-ego. Never offer your right-lead canter to an adult rider. However, permit the child the honor of the right lead. Older children may be denied the first one or two canter cues, to prepare them for adulthood. Very young children MUST be given the right lead on the very first try.
3 - DEATH. When one of your best turn-out buddies has gone to the Great Pasture in the Sky, your human attendant will require much comforting, as they fear they will go next. Humans are instinctively afraid of death. Offer your comfort by making deep hacking and wheezing coughs, producing voluminous amounts of phlegm. Your human will be greatly comforted, knowing that he's not the next to go.
4 - DINING ETIQUETTE. Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human the next time they clean your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge. (That's what they said when they bought you as a two-year-old, right?)
5 - DOORS. Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
6 - FARRIER. The farrier is an object on which you can take out your frustration without danger of limiting your food supply.
7 - FRESH BEDDING. It is perfectly permissible to use the bathroom in the middle of your freshly bedded stall, letting your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
8 - GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES. Rules of the road - When out on a trail ride with your owner, never relieve yourself on your own lawn.
9 - GROUND MANNERS. Ground manners are very important to humans. Therefore, break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human.
10 - HOLES. Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a bunch of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, they might think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to correct this problem.
11 - IMPROPER SHOES. Your human attendant will often risk his safety by wearing shoes that might not provide full protection from hazardous ranch situations. You can correct (not punish) this behavior by applying pressure to the unprotected foot. Humans are known to move away from pressure, but only after making loud noises. Keep the pressure applied until your human responds correctly to this cue.
12 - MARRIAGE. Your personal human attendant may also have a spouse, who professes nonequinity. Whenever your attendant brings the non-equus spouse to visit, you are to lavish unimaginable amounts of charm on the non-equus spouse, and more importantly, you must act fearful of your personal human attendant. This process must continue until such time as the non-equus spouse converts to full equinity.
13 - NEIGHING. Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh ..."
14 - NUZZLING. Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human you just nuzzled to dry it off, as well.
15 - PLAYING. If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall, so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ole' vet, not you!
16 - RAIN. Humans are generally little busy bodies, like beavers, who need to constantly build and modify. During the rain, stick either your head or your hindquarters beyond the reach of your roof. Your human will instinctively (being the stimulus / response creatures that they are) move you to a new stall, and make a new roof for you later.
17 - SHOEING. Humans are creatures driven by instant gratification. After a good foot trimming or shoeing, trot smartly around to show your human how nicely the shoes fit. The next day, drag one foot when you walk, to provide your little busy body with yet another project to work on.
18 - SHOTS. Humans are characteristically nervous when providing veterinary care for you. In order to soothe your human, raise your head, immediately after the injection, turning the lead rope into a handy tool with which you can swing your human. Genetically predisposed, humans are comforted by swinging back and forth on the lead rope, while screaming primeval noises.
19 - STOMPING CATS. When standing on cross-ties, make sure you never - quite - stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.
20 - SNORTING. Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.
21 - VISITORS. Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human back away and starts crying, swish your tail, stamp your feet, and nicker gently to show your concern.
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Post by Kilty on Dec 12, 2006 15:55:19 GMT
Good grief, I wear pop socks and have fabby thighs - I mus get a longer skirt. These leaad rein classes must be a source of much humour. I threw the child on when late for a class and set off at a trot for the ring. I arrived at the ring entrance puffing badly to be told by the steward "this is a ridden class". Puzzled I looked behind to find the saddle unerneath the pony's tummy and the child running across the showground some distance away. Who forgot the tighten the girth?!!! This one really made me chuckle ;D On the children front, a friend's child was going to do a lead rein class, so friend prepared thoroughly - going through all the questions the judge might ask, how old is the pony, do you look after it etc. Child understood all the questions and answered them nicely. On show day, standing in line, judge asks child a number of questions, all of which he answers well. Lastly, the judge asks: 'So do you groom your pony at home?' Child (who had groomed the pony the previous day) says 'No, someone else gets her ready for me' :yelrotflmao: |
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Post by sallyw on Dec 12, 2006 16:51:19 GMT
Lolly, you forgot the Welsh Cob in the gate scenario. He had jumped the gate and was in his stable eating his tea whilst the other were arguing - at least thats what happens here!
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Post by lolly on Dec 12, 2006 19:25:13 GMT
My friend asked my daughter then seven to take her little old A in a Veteran class. Wilbur was a pushbutton dream of a 24/26 year old, we were not sure of the exact age as his passport was buried due to a house move, but after a discussion told Lauren to say 24 to be on the safe side, Lauren did a near perfect show but blew it when the judge asked how old he was... Lauren shouted in the highest voice to us How old did you say I had to tell the judge he was, I think he is either 14 or 34. I cant remember what they said I had to say..... not the brightest of children is she, but we did get a third and wills got some veteran mix.  |
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Post by julie on Dec 12, 2006 22:12:40 GMT
Dear Lolly May I call you my old friend? Have just had row with hubby over phone and am now watching videos of small daughter on ponies 2007 both admiring/desparing, have run out of wine, but then remembered stash of very expensive Cloudy Bay in office (converted stable and the wine sent to us by a friend) so just thought I'd look in at HG, pick up bottle, throw hay to undeserving horses, run bath and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.... Will try to find dvd of brad pitt when he's the cowboy guy (Anthony Hopkinson is in it too) but think I lent to another old "desperate" friend,so its either Thomas Crown (with Pierce Brosnan ---the staircase scene----) or Meet Joe Black...(the pool scene) Too much information I think - night night! |
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Post by julie on Dec 13, 2006 10:07:05 GMT
Memories of Mother/Daughter Embarassment Years and years ago Worcester Odeon ran the double of Star Wars and the Empire Strikes Back. My mother expresses a wish to go so we dutifully set off one evening. My mother had not been to a cinema since her return to the Uk in 1970. My mother has a very loud, easy to hear way of whispering.We sit down in a packed theatre (those were the days of only 4 channels dont forget!) when she announces in said whisper "I've made us some ham rolls!" which of course the rows fore and back hear. She then offered to buy us a drink as the usherette was selling ice creams etc (God it really was a long time ago!) From the far end of the cinema she queued, then I heard her quite clearly say "How much?!! Thats 6 shillings in old money!!" so now everybody is staring and giggling. By time she got to me I had started to laugh as she was still muttering about it...she stuck the little straw in and drank away, right to the bottom determinded to get every expensive drop when suddenly the straw flew out of her hand and landed in the thick hair of the girl in front. By now we are convulsed trying not to laugh, the girl in front keeps turning around to stare at us, and the white straw resembles an Indian feather.Eventually the girl stops turning round, my mother manages to extract the straw.... You'd think that would put me off but many years later we decide to go and see Troy, a weekday matinee, with the wonderful Mr. Pitt in (so we had been told by a breathless shop assistant in Beatties) apparently his God Given Birthday Suit. As before, she had made sandwiches but this time (we're learning) she had bought two small bottles of white wine which was great until she opened the tupperware box to proudly reveal the Sandwich Of The Day - Egg and Cress!! Ever tried to sit in a near empty cinema with the distinct pong of egg? |
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