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Post by lolly on Dec 13, 2007 11:05:01 GMT
If you see a fat man ... Who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, and if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then lets face it... Your eggnog's too strong!
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Post by lolly on Dec 13, 2007 11:05:38 GMT
Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was peeed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted I disagree for d**n near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? The old lady bit*hes cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those not a very nice persons from the IRS sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't d**n funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits They want the impossible--Those mean little sh1ts I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them, They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
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Post by lolly on Dec 13, 2007 11:08:53 GMT
Lovable Louise, The Inflatable Love Doll A Hilarious Christmas story.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!", "Who owns that?" Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also sub as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane. Finding what I wanted was difficult as love dolls come in many models. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature my brother could live without so I settled for Lovable Louise. She also was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and left the front door unlocked. In the wee hours of the morning long after Santa had come and gone I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for hours. The next morning Jay called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that made him VERY happy but the dog was confused. The dog would bark and bark. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came for the traditional dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except we forgot Grandma and Grandpa would be there. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. "It's a doll." replied my brother. "Who would play with something like that?" she replied "And where are her clothes?" "Boy that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dinning room. But Granny was relentless. My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey who's the naked gal by the fire place?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. Dinner went well. We made the usual small talk when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the morning. She then lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure. Later we discovered the cause of Louise's collapse as she had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her thigh. Thanks to duct tape we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house...
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
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Milliesmum
H G Addict
COCKERP00S RULE!!!
Posts: 23,901
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Post by Milliesmum on Dec 13, 2007 11:35:47 GMT
True story told to me by our yard owner:
A friend was saying that it got harder each year to get her kid's to believe in 'the red guy'. So our yard owner had a bright idea. She suggested to the friend that she take home a small amount of horse pooh, and pretend it was reindeer pooh to convince the kids that Santa had really visited. So said friend duly took a little pooh home in a carrier bag.
A week after christmas, the same friend came to the yard and was asked if the 'pooh story' had worked. 'Oh yes,' said the friend ' the kids were thrilled but my husband wasn't very happy'.
On being asked why, it transpired that instead of placing the pooh outside near the back door, she had carefully arranged it in the front room under the christmas tree!!!!
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Post by flashthecash on Dec 13, 2007 11:38:16 GMT
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Post by lolly on Dec 13, 2007 14:16:26 GMT
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Post by lolly on Dec 13, 2007 14:37:49 GMT
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Post by flashthecash on Dec 13, 2007 15:27:23 GMT
I wanted a BS last christmas... as I was horseless but santa never showed
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Post by silverlady on Dec 13, 2007 22:14:32 GMT
Why did'nt you say it would have been so much cheaper than the one you eventually got. No feed or bedding costs.
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