Awkward ex

[ilovenatives]

You have my sympathies we were in a similar situation with my stepson except he came to live with us when he was 9 . His mum had neglected him quite badly and she had a violent partner so we could not be sure he would be safe so we insisted she came to visit or met at her mums to see him .
The best advice i can give is rise above it , i know its very hard but remember she will get satifaction from knowing she is causing problems for you and your partner . Ingore her when she asked for more money infact point out that it was her choice to go to the CSA so she must accept what they have awarded her . Tell her if the child needs a new coat /shoes etc that you and your partner will buy them for him .
When you take on a partner they sometimes come with baggage im afraid so although the little boy is not your son he comes as a package with your partner . My hubby came with so much baggage but although it has been hard i love him so i put up with it [my stepson has learning difficulties and at 9 used to mess his pants every day and could not use a knife and fork or eat proper food ] there were lots of times when i thought i cant do this and why should i as he is not my son but i love him to bits now and woulnt be without my stepson who is 21 now and a great lad
Try not to let her get to you as she is only trying to have power over your boyfriend the only way she can now .
Good Luck

[sageandonion]

I know it is very hard for you, but I think you have to take a step back and try to detach yourself asking your partner to sort this out with his ex. They jointly have a child and as parents need to sort out what is best for this child and how to fairly do what is best. Your involvement, however well meaning will make things even more difficult as the ex will become yet more defensive in her opinion.

I think they should both agree to meet and involve a mediator rather than either of their partners to iron out all the differences which impact on this child and come to a compromise.

I do actually think the CSA should be involved and all mothers have the right to contact them.

[amumwithapony]

I have dealt with a similar situation to yours for the last 6 years. But I am the mum and its contact with her dad that is the problem.

You need to remember that the only one who could miss out here is the little boy. Maintaince and CSA are completely seperate issues to contact and I have had to try very hard over the last 6 years to seperate the 2 in my mind.

My little girls dad has only paid CSA for about 12 months and she is 6 now so you can see my issues! However, if I stop her seeing him it is her that will miss out on the relationship with her dad.

At 4 years old you have a long way to go. You need to think about whether it is right that you live so far from this little boy that it is difficult for him to spend time with his dad. Could you not be closer? My ex moved from Liverpool to Sheffield to ensure he spent every other weekend with his daughter and while at times I wish he hadn't at least he has maintained a relationship with him.

I know its not always easy to pack up and move a couple of hundred miles but there is a little boy involved and I would say 1000% that it is him who must come first.

Alternativly could you not stay the weekend nearer to him, maybe in a hotel? That way you wouldnt have to do the journey twice. With regards to his mum not meeting you half way, TBH I wouldn't either. If dad wants to spend time with his son then he must be prepared to do whatever it takes to ensure that happens.

I'm sorry if this post comes accross as a bit harsh, but I see it from the other side as I am a mum. And I don't think £27 per week is a lot to contribute either. When you are buying clothes all year round, school uniforms, b'day pressies, b'day pressies for the parties he will be invited to, dance/football/ponies!/after school activities £27 per week doesn't go very far. And that is before you have fed them, kept a house, had the heating on all winter to keep them warm, paid your council tax and water rates and bought a TV licensce to let them watch Ceebeebies.

Think about what you can do with £27? Its not a great deal and I think she has a right to ask for more money if he needs something. And its not always something you can go out and just buy like a new coat or shoes. And if she spends everything else on essesntials then why shouldn't she be the one to have an extra £50 to buy him (or indeed herself) something nice. She is the childs mother at the end of the day and by raising him she is doing the most important job in the world.

[ilovenatives]

I have to agree £27 does not buy much these days , have you and your partner thought about making it up to the £50 a week origanally paid by paying the extra £23 a week direct .
My sister gets £400 a month from her ex but he does have a good job .
Maybe she cant afford to travel to meet now she has less money coming in .
Its a very hard situation as it can very easily develop into a nasty kind of tit for tat .
Im glad she is a good mum at least you dont have to worry on that score , my hubbys ex was a complete nutjob who after our custody case did not bother to come and see her son once .
I used to go and collect my stepson after contact with his mum as well and i just used to smile and be polite even though it was really hard .
I think its hard allround for everyone involved and there is no easy answer to this , you just have to try and get on with it and not let it get to you .

[sageandonion]

katherine, for the sake of the child, I think you must step back. It isn't up to you to facilitate your husband seeing his child, it is up to him to do whatever it takes to be a father and take 50% responsibility for his parenting.

If I were his mum, I would find your participation (although you obviously are trying to do your best) absolutely infuriating and it would make me very cross indeed, probably to the point of being negative and obstructive.

Let this child's father make the effort, if that means four hours on a train and then staying overnight then that's what it takes and he really needs to contribute 50% of the cost of bringing up his child and more if mum does not work. He also needs to see his child more than once a month.

You see if he doesn't pay for his child and mum doesn't work, then my husband does.

Sometimes the very hardest thing to do is nothing and I think you do need to try to keep your involvement to telling your partner he needs to sort this out with his ex for the sake of his child.

I don't sound sympathetic and I do sympathise with you, but boot on the other foot, I would walk for as many hours as it took to see my child on a regular basis and give my last penny to ensure he/she had everything they needed. His child must come first.

[dawnie]

It isn't always the mothers choice to go to the CSA, many amicable arrangements have been distroyed due to other factors forcing the hand of the resident parent such as the resident parent coming out of work and having to claim support from the goverment. They then have to give details to the CSA in order to get any form of help, but they dont really gain as they only receive ...if I remember correctly the first £5 of what ever the non resident parent pays ... the rest goes into the goverment pot. (that amount may have changed since I worked there a few years ago) Also, the claim can only be back dated from the date of the claim. The CSA has been contracted out to private agences and there is truley a lot of money being paid in that isnt being paid out, to the point where they brough in making an calculation/arrangement through the CSA that you can now pay direct and is reconised as an offical payment.
It is an awful situation to be in, but considering the amount of time your partner sees his son the travelling time is mimimal compared to the amount of time his ex spends being a mum. That said ... who chose to put the miles between them...mum or your partner?

[ilovenatives]

My sister lives in Ireland now and her son sees his dad for a weekend a month . She brings him back over and his dad picks him up and drops him off at Gatwick . She stays over at my mums for the weekend while he is over with his dad . It was her choice to move out there so thats why she has to do the travelling . Could you set up an evening where your OH chats to his son on a webcam say once or twice a week , i know its not the same as seeing each other in person but its the next best thing . My nephew chats to his dad every week on the webcam and they play computer games and chat about how his week has been .

[sageandonion]

No I don't think that sounds fair at all. It does seem communication has become very difficult and is on a downward spiral which can only get worse. Could you not go ask your husband/OH to arrange professional family mediation to help solve this because I don't think, with all the emotions involved they will move forward together and, from a parenting point of view, thats where they need to be.

[ilovenatives]

Have you thought that she may feel horrid when he goes off as it must be hard to see him go with another woman [her son i mean] and to feel that you are replacing her for the weekend . Im not saying this is what you are trying to do but it sounds like she is hurting and this is why she plays the head games . I really think your OH needs to sit down and communicate with her properly . Its often hard for the full time parent as the child goes off has fun weekend , gets bought stuff and spoilt as absent parent not seen child for a while and then goes back to mum who has to spend money on boring stuff like bills and has to do all not so fun bits like discipline and then ends up feeling like the wicked witch . That may explain why she didnt want you and your OH half to be the ones to buy him a big present like a quad and has felt she has to compete with you and get one herself . she has probably put herself in debt to buy him all these presents .
When you go to collect the little boy can you not drive but stay in the car and your OH gets out and goes and collects him and talks to mum .
Also think about the webcam idea if you can , our little webcam was only about £20 .

[ilovenatives]

Just read your post about your boyfriend getting wound up and shouting , im sorry but he needs to grow up and act like an adult about this and discuss things properly , it may be hard but just remember even at 4 the little boy will pick up on the tension and bad feeling . It seems to me its not the ladys in this situation that is the problem its your OH and maybe his ex thinks ive had enough of this crap . Also stop and think of yourself its seems like you are taking alot of the crap here as well .

[PennyP4]

I agree with s&o in stepping back. If I was in his mothers place I would see it as interfering, even if that's not your intention. £27 a week is nothing considering a new pair of shoes cost £32, so why shouldn't he contribute extra at birthdays and things, he is his son too. I am in the privileged place of having a be hubby who looks after us fantastically but I also know he would go to the end of the earth for our little boy regardless of our relationship. So travelling 200 miles once a week is in my opinion acceptable, why should she meet you half way, she looks after him all week, maybe she uses that time for a bit of a break. At the end of the day it's the poor little one that is missing out, I would seriously urge your OH to make a bigger effort, he'll never get these precious years back.

[Milliesmum]

Why doesn't your OH open a bank account in his son's name, and transfer a fixed amount every month into there? Then if there's anything he needs you haven't got to find a big chunk of cash all at once? And if he doesn't need anything, the money is there earning interest for him when he's older.

Edited to add, you can keep the savings book yourself, so you'll still have control over where the money is going.

[hursty100]

what an arkward cow!

[showingfanatic]

Well, from the point of view of a child who's been stuck in a situation very like this I can sort of see both sides (mother and your partner). She is making it difficult for you, my mum did the same and even though she regrets how she was now she did have her reasons which I understand now.
The last thing you want is the little boy being pulled between two. Have you had a court order to specify exactly when and where your partner is to see his son? It's not a nice thing but it makes everything a lot clearer to all involved and shows clear boundaries; everyone knows where they stand.
I think its lovely how you really want to help your partner and his son but maybe it really is necessary to take a back seat and merely be there to support your OH rather than actually taking a physical role while his ex is around, she'll probably be feeling pretty pushed out of the picture with another woman on the scene and will be putting walls up until she sees your not a threat.
I hope you sort it out, good luck x

[amanda]

£27 a week is not enough, i get £50 per week for my child and dad pays half of everything else ie birthdays parties etc he lives in london i live in yorkshire he comes up every three weeks and i pay her train fare in holidays christmas etc (she is 15 now) when she was younger i used to drive to east midlands airport to drop her off then back again to pick her up.
it sounds to me she and your boyfriend are playing tit for tat presents mean nothing the little boy needs parents who can be civil to each other i suggest they seek mediation before they totally confuse the little chap. In 11 years i have never stopped my girl seeing her dad but by the same token he has always paid his way and not shirked his fiscal responsibility to her. maybe you could have a quiet word with her to allay her fears of you replacing her(is she young) i spoke to my daughters new step mum before she met her and we now have a decent relationship which i think has been a benefit to all concerned especially my daughter who is not embarrased to speak to either of her mums without the fear if being dis loyal to me. hope you can sort this out amicably
modified for spelling