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Post by Jessica on Sept 22, 2011 11:41:56 GMT
Need some advice... This is hard for me!!  When i was 3 months old My father upped and left... I was really badly asthmatic, he used to see me and my brother twice a week when he left mum, He used to take me round my nanna and granddad house, Leave me and my brother there!!! and bugger off to the pub!!! ( Wanting to spend time with his kids, yet he left us there and buggered off!!!) , both were chain smokers, and this made a huge impact on my health, Many of times when i come back from there, mum would have to take me to hostptial, and i'd end up spending the night in there on a ventilator. Mum then put a stop to all this.. told him that he could see us kids, but only if he didnt take us round there, and leave us there!!! But he decilined and never saw us again!!! Breaks my heart, would have loved to be a daddys girl, but never had the chance?? A couple of years ago i went round to my nanna and grandads house as i always had regular contact with his side of the family, (apart from him) it was fathers day, so i went to see my granddad. i was sat chatting away on the sofa, next thing i know, my nanna jumps up off the chair and flys to the front door, to next see a man getting in a truck and driving off!! Turns out that was my dad!? ?!  After that i never saw my nanna and grandad again. But still hgad regular contact with his sister (my auntie) i always talked to her about my dad, and she said she would try her best to get my dad to see me!!!  She got married last year, i was round her house and she said to me that i was invited to the wedding, along with my boyfriend.. BUT my father was going to be there, she told me that he had agreed to meet up with me, Me shocked by this burst into tears and said that i would go away and think about it. 2 weeks on, i never heard a thing from my auntie, being 18 at the time, i could now fend for my self, so i text her and simply said i was very upset that she had told me that my dad had wanted to meet with me, yet had never followed it through, and me leaving her house in tears, had never even text to see if i was okay?! So i got back some snotty messages telling me that she needed to concentrate on her own life now. Ect..... Never saw her for ages, was out walking the dogs the other day, and saw her at a nature park, She saw me and walked straight passed me like she didnt even know me... I really wanted to say something but as my cousins were there ( only 3 - 4yrs) didnt really want to cause a scene for there sake! I has sent my 'dad' may letters in the past, and tried to find him and get in contact with him!! The thing i need help with is??? do i continue to search, or do i give up??? I think i need closure, its not that i need him, because i really dont? i just need him to tell me that he doesnt want to know me and then i can get on with my own life....
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Post by laurajazmine on Sept 22, 2011 12:17:30 GMT
Ive been in basically the same situation. I gave up last year when I was 16. A year on and he has added me on facebook because he has seen my profile and my pictures and I think it hit home how much hes missed out on. I obviously am very hurt by him and i find myself in a position that now i've got the chance to talk to him. I just dont want to open up and trust him incase I get hurt again.. It sounds horrible but sometimes your better off without...  Hugs. Its a horrible situation xx |
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Post by Jessica on Sept 22, 2011 12:19:53 GMT
I completely agree.. It is hard, because i dont want to be rejected, but i dont want to keep on thinking on wha i could be 'missing' out on. or in another case, what i am not missing out on!!
I am now 19, so i v lastest this long without him, sure i could last more?? Riight?
xxx
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Post by honeybees on Sept 22, 2011 12:25:59 GMT
Aww bless you *hugs* I think, although you need closure, he doesn't seem to have the courage to turn around and speak to you. You have your mum, who has obviously done a perfect job of raising you, and to be honest it does not sound like you are missing out on anything. As Laurajazmine says you may be better off without, as horrid as that is. Sorry that you have to be in this situation; it's horrible xxx |
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Post by Jessica on Sept 22, 2011 13:18:08 GMT
Thank you Honeybees -
i do keep thinking maybe i will be okay on my own, and that he does seem like a waste of space as well as the rest of the family too!!
xx
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Post by Jessica on Sept 22, 2011 19:04:27 GMT
Anyone else think i should leave it?
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Post by muggley on Sept 22, 2011 21:29:47 GMT
I rarely speak to my father. I have seen him five times in the last 14 years. Only once did he come up to Scotland to see me and my sister. The last 2 times I saw him when I was visiting other relatives in the area he spent his whole time slagging me off to anyone nearby. If he can't be bothered being nice or getting in touch once in a while then why should I?
Sorry, not very positive.
Hope everything works out for the best for you! x
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Post by auntiebarb on Sept 22, 2011 21:56:55 GMT
Jessica, come round our house, we have an empty nest and could give you hugs and home made jam and dog walks and horse riding in the forest. Do not spend any more time on such a waster, he must be mad not to want to know you. It is his loss not yours.
Look to your future not your past. There is much more of it for a start.
There are great people out there, I am married to one for a start, so just get on with your life and forget what you laughingly call ' a father '. If it is your fate to come across him again, you will, and you will also have the grace to handle it like a lady.
Rock on Babe
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Post by laurajazmine on Sept 22, 2011 22:00:08 GMT
I honestly think you need to try and move on and not worry about him, He sounds very like my father and if so, you'll only end up more hurt.
If he can't make the effort, Why should you? Its him missing out...
Sending more hugs xx
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Post by Jessica on Sept 23, 2011 11:49:59 GMT
I agree i shouldnt make the effort, but there is a bit of me that wants to if that makes sence, just wondering what he is like as a person?! He told my mother that he would see me and my brother at the age of 16? but nothing every occured! Mum has done well bring us 3 kids up, she has been very poorly, handling my sister depression too.. And having to do it al on her own must have been hard. But you just have to work at things and support each other. Maybe its time to give up, and concentrate on the people that love and care for me  |
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Post by madsazzy on Sept 24, 2011 17:47:31 GMT
Sending u lots of love and hugs, i really feel for u My ex left me when my daughter was a baby and i battled for him to see her for a year or so, and long story short the last time he saw her she was 18 mnths old. I have been lucky enough to meet a lovely man who accepted my daughter as his wn and loves her as his own. He takes days off work fr school plays and trips and comes to see her ride and pays for her pny even tho he has no interest in horses! I have made sure my daughter knows what she needs to know for an 8 yr old, and we r prepared that one day she will want to know her dad, but i fear she will be in your situation in 10 yrs time as he knows where we live and everything but he has never made any effort and niether has any of his family. I hope me and my husband can support her, but after reading what u have written i really hope she turns out to be as mature and balanced as u. I think u should maybe give it one last go, to see if u can get the answers u want even if it's not what u want to hear at least u will know. Chances r u won't be able to build a relationship with him, because he is clearly not interested in that. I have always said that i would walk over hot coals if it meant seeing my kids and your dad and my ex can't even be bothered when they know exactly where their kids r and i dont understand it, but if u can accept that u won't have the father/daughter relationship but u could get some answers if u try and find him. Also u will probably meet him and think what a loser! It's def his loss, u r a lovely young lady at the start of ur adult life, dont let him hold u back from doing anything. Good luck (((((hugs))))) xxxxx |
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Post by Jessica on Sept 24, 2011 18:43:27 GMT
Sending u lots of love and hugs, i really feel for u My ex left me when my daughter was a baby and i battled for him to see her for a year or so, and long story short the last time he saw her she was 18 mnths old. I have been lucky enough to meet a lovely man who accepted my daughter as his wn and loves her as his own. He takes days off work fr school plays and trips and comes to see her ride and pays for her pny even tho he has no interest in horses! I have made sure my daughter knows what she needs to know for an 8 yr old, and we r prepared that one day she will want to know her dad, but i fear she will be in your situation in 10 yrs time as he knows where we live and everything but he has never made any effort and niether has any of his family. I hope me and my husband can support her, but after reading what u have written i really hope she turns out to be as mature and balanced as u. I think u should maybe give it one last go, to see if u can get the answers u want even if it's not what u want to hear at least u will know. Chances r u won't be able to build a relationship with him, because he is clearly not interested in that. I have always said that i would walk over hot coals if it meant seeing my kids and your dad and my ex can't even be bothered when they know exactly where their kids r and i dont understand it, but if u can accept that u won't have the father/daughter relationship but u could get some answers if u try and find him. Also u will probably meet him and think what a loser! It's def his loss, u r a lovely young lady at the start of ur adult life, dont let him hold u back from doing anything. Good luck (((((hugs))))) xxxxx Thank you very much, it sound like you Daugther has a lovely Mummy and daddy, (even if its not by blood) Maybe i will give it one last go, apparetnly the british red cross do a 'finding family members' Maybe ill try that, then he hasnt got to meet me, or even see me face to face ( if he doesnt want anything to do with me, then that is fine!) i then know for myself, but its all the unanswred questions that i want answering, but that will proberly never come. Im just glad iv got my Mum, Wouldnt be were i am without her. xxxx |
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Post by madsazzy on Sept 25, 2011 22:03:13 GMT
Good luck and well done for being so strong. Make sure u let yur mum know how much u appreciate her, i bet she'd be pleased to hear it  xxx |
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Post by chevron on Sept 26, 2011 8:18:15 GMT
Anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a dad.
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Post by Jessica on Sept 26, 2011 16:31:46 GMT
That certianly is truee!! Mum knows how much she means to me. xx |
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Post by frozzy on Sept 26, 2011 17:12:48 GMT
As lots of other people have said a natural father does not necessarily make a dad. Or a good parent. In a perfect world all fathers would love and cherish their kids, but sadly this is more often the exception.
My childrens natural father ran off when my girls were 10 ,8, and 3. He never tried to make contact with them, or support them. I met my now husband 30 years ago and he raised my girls and did more for them than many a natural father would.
One of my girls, through natural curiosity did manage to contact her natural father and he was such a disappointment to her that she never contacted him again.
You can live without this man, he dosnt deserve a daughter like you, and neither do his family deserve you.
Live your life chick, without these people.
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Post by Jessica on Sept 27, 2011 15:06:58 GMT
I would like to take time out to say thank you to all the kind people on here that have said some very kind words, and that have helped me make my decision in this horrible situation. i have come to the conclusion that this 'man' is not worth any of my time, let alone my tears. I have decided that i need to move on from this, and become a strong person, i have wasted enough time on this so called man, Time for me to turn a corner, concentrate on my life, partner, family and my future. Surley iv wasted enough heartache on a person which in my eyes doesnt give a stuff about a girl and boy he brought into the world. Time for me to stop wasting time on wondering what could be, that will never be. Thank you to everyone who has helped me get my head straight and make this decision for myself.  |
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Post by jacksprat on Sept 28, 2011 6:14:02 GMT
i think many people in this situation have a somewhat misty eyed idea about meeting up with a long lost parent, unfortunately the reality is often disapointing. be strong and remember that it is him who has missed out on knowing you . good luck!!!
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Post by andreab71 on Sept 28, 2011 6:26:14 GMT
He is not a father, he is just a sperm doner. Cherish the people around who love and care for you. Do not waste anymore of your life on this man, doesn't seem to me that he has spent much of his on you xxx
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Post by madsazzy on Sept 28, 2011 19:00:14 GMT
Well done for making a decision How refreshing to see a young woman with enough self respect to say "no, i'm worth more than that!" It's absolutely his loss, and you are a credit to your mum xx |
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Post by Jessica on Sept 28, 2011 19:11:00 GMT
jacksprat - i think you are right, i didnt have a 'misty eyed' view on how things would turn out, suppose its just like a fairy tail! andreab71- From now on i am going to cherish the people around me, (not that i dont already) but im going to make sure my mum knows how much of a great job she has done, bringing up us kids on her own. ( i know i was a bratt when i was litttle, but whoo wasn't?) Madsazzy - i feel like its a relief, i feel like i can now move on, and forget i even had a 'father' the only people that matter in my life now, will be my family, and my partner, and of course the ponies.  xxxx |
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Post by julamrmoney on Sept 28, 2011 19:56:32 GMT
I would wish you good luck but it sounds that you have had that already by having such a wonderful Mum and been blessed with a very mature outlook on life - you will be fine |
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Post by kickon on Oct 2, 2011 10:11:52 GMT
I really feel for you I only have my mum now and we look after each other! How ever I was lucky enough to have a father but he has sadly died! So maybe you should think of your father in that way and stop letting him hurting you. Its not your fault. His loss Mums are very important |
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Post by Jessica on Oct 2, 2011 18:06:24 GMT
Kickon - I agree totally, mums are VERY Important, I have decided to look at that way, that you know 'the stalks brought me to my mum' No need for a father then |
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Post by kickon on Oct 2, 2011 19:45:15 GMT
Your mum just needed that seed to get you Be happy! |
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Post by speedysally on Oct 2, 2011 20:31:38 GMT
do what you feel is the best thing to do. if you want to see your dad then be open and honest about it with your mum, she could help:)
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kayjayem
Happy to help....a lot
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Post by kayjayem on Oct 2, 2011 21:24:50 GMT
Having read this thread Jessiica you come across as a lovley, sensible, kind person and that is no thanks to your lovely mum's "sperm donor". Think positive and move on with the people who have helped you and made a difference to your life. Eventually, if he has half a brain, your "father" will realise what he has missed out on and should feel suitably ashamed. If he doesn't then think yourself lucky that you have taken after your mum and not that feckless individual who doesn't deserve to be called a father. Be happy, love life and hug your mum.xxx
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2011 6:11:17 GMT
Have read this thread and all the lovely comments, such a kind bunch on HG I think in all honesty - there are an awful lot of us - HG members and all, that dont have very good relationships with family members. (or any relationship) Sadly it can really screw up your brain - to try and work out why they dissapoint us or abandon us etc etc I am going to see a mental health councellor to try and work out my issues which torment my brain - as the pain I feel from my family letting me down, when I needed them so badly - seems to be sending me nuts...... The very fact that you have a wonderful and loving mum - is amazing, but if you still have issues in your head, that keep upsetting you about your dad, why not chat to your dr about it. Best of luck and be happy !!!!! xxx |
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Post by kickon on Oct 3, 2011 10:47:47 GMT
Oh Lovepink if we had to cope with the things you have We would all think we were going mental |
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Post by Jessica on Oct 3, 2011 15:38:04 GMT
I think its time to move on from this situation, and treat it as a learn cuurve, Sadly not all people are what they should be, or live up to the expertaions that you should expect of them, That sadly is someone my 'father' hasnt done.
Had a long chat with mum today, and she has said no matter what my decision is, she will support me 100%, which she has done from the start, But im a confident girl, and i think that its time for me to stop wasting my tear, time, and thoughts on someone that doesnt mean anything to me,
Anyway if i ever meet him, i could dislike the bloke, and could you really forgive someone that you havent even met, yet they have caused so much heartache and pain already???
xxx
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