Nursing home!!

[Julie(luke3)]

I think I have seriously had enough of my situation at home!! As many of you know, my in-laws and hubby's uncle all live with us(me,hubby & 2 small boys). Don't get me wrong, I love old people(have worked in nursing homes!) Mother in-law 77-walks with 3 wheeled walker(own buggy for shopping) father in-law 85, just smells and can't walk more than 1 mile an hr. Uncle is now constantly in a wheelchair 79.Our kitchen really is a scene from waiting for god!!! Uncle had an appiontment at Doctor's and asked me to drive him. Jack no nursery today so had him with me(he is very good). Got there,wheelchair out of car, ect. 1hr later doctor comes out and says he wants him to go to a&e for an x-ray!! Told him I have to pick up other son from school at 3pm. He says fine go after that!!!

At a&e for 3.40pm with both boys in tow....we were there until 8.30pm!!!!!!!

Mother in-law got dentist on Thursday, so I have to take Jack out of nursery to take her!!! Ahhhhh

The thing is I feel my life is my 2 boys(and my horses when I have time!). The oldies arn't going to get better...hubby works away all week. I get angry about having to run around after the oldies all the time and feel it's not fair on the boys, when mummy is in a bad mood.

The reason we live in a 5 bedroomed house with 17 acres is that we all put the same amount of money in. But to be honest at the moment I would be very happy to move to a small house just me and my 2 boys!!

Sorry moan over xx Just been such an awful day

[kayjayem]

Oh Luke3 that sounds like the day from hell, but hang on in there they won't be here for ever(not wishing them on their way or anything) but your 17 acres will be and at least you will have an easy conscience when they've gone and will be able gto enjoy what you have in peace. Couldn't social services help if you have 3 fogies(old people) to look after - it seems a big ask for 1 person. Sending you a karma and a big hug for being so caring!

ps your boys will also grow up with a social conscience rather than thinking the world revolves around them

[Milliesmum]

Can you not get any help with respite care? Just so you can get a break and some family time?

[Julie(luke3)]

Thanks guys x The trouble is they don't need washing and dressing!! Just everything else. Cooking ,beds changing washing done,appointments made and taken to, phone calls, cleaning up after them ect ect. 2 of them have quite a lot of money so they could easily afford someone to come in and clean for a few hrs to help out! I think I am just a mug

[ada]

i know how you feel luke3, my mother-in-law moved in with us in 1997 she had a stroke and could'nt look after herself, she was 89 years old and could walk slowly with a zimmer frame.
i was 40 at the time with 2 kids, i had another daughter in 1998, not planned, but we were thrilled!
my mother-in-law was with us for 11years,untill i could'nt look after her anymore, she had her 101 birthday in november!!!!
i feel like some of the best years of my life have been wasted, looking after her , yes i know its not her fault, but in the end i really resented her.
looking after her, 3 kids and a yard full of neddies, it was too much.
we had 4 generations in our house and it just did not work.
have a karma on me BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT.
moan over, it deff does you good ot get it off your chest, if you want a sympathetic ear any time PM me,xx

[Julie(luke3)]

ada that's how I feel. I should be loving every moment with my children(and any spare with the horses) Thank you I now know I am not the only one xx Sometimes I feel awful for feeling the way I do towards them. When we moved here all together we had no children so it was different.

[ada]

your kids must come first they are little for such a short time and that time will fly......
just a thought, could you get a little help in the house, maybe a couple of hours 3 days a week? that could get the beds changed, washing done and maybe prepare the odd meal for you, you need some time for you, something i never got and 13 years down the line i wonder where the time went............

[kayjayem]

how compus mentis are they? If they could afford to pay for a bit of help would you be able to discuss it with them and tell them how you feel? Maybe you could put it in such a way that they don't feel that they are personally a burden but you are struggling a bit then there is no hard feelings or awkwardness

[Julie(luke3)]

I hav tried talking to them all. They all said they would try harder!! Lasted 2 weeks!!Same as what hubby always says

[kayjayem]

Then I would say you really have to put your foot down and go ahead and get some help even if it's just to do a bit of cleaning, make beds etc, and if they won't pay do it yourself out of housekeeping and if that makes them go short tough they'll have to dig deeper and help out. You can't be all things to all people you have to look after yourself or who would look after them?

[ada]

yes, i agree you must insist, if you fall ill the whole lot will come tumbling down.

[jazz]

Don't feel guilty one bit about the way you feel. It sounds as if you are under enormous pressure and things are becoming stressful for you. You really need to stop and take stock of the whole situation, asking for help from an outside source is not a sign of defeat. If you make yourself ill, who will be the backbone of your family? Please look into maybe employing a housekeeper a few hours a week to help with the overload of daily chores that you have to do or even an 'old people sitter' so you can at least have some quality time alone with your children now and again.
I'm sure your relatives are lovely people whom you love dearly but you do need to think of yourself and your immediate family.

[ladybird]

I can really speak from the heart here as i lived in a very similar situation. My first marriage broke down when my 3 boys were very small, we were living in London at that time. We moved back down to Devon and my parents split there house into 2, I remarried in time but continued to stay there, although things could be extremeley difficult a lot of times! We had another son.
Both my parents health started to deteriorate and to cut a long story short, the remaining years of their lives very soon became my worst. My life was taken over 24 hours a day, i gave up my part time job, often there were times when they came before the boys and husband, they could be demanding, they could be bloody awful, i had to give up the ponies and in short i felt my own life was over never mind theirs.
They were very proud wonderful people, and i could see the pain on my fathers face of frustration, despair which in turn made him angry, usually with me, my mother became more and more childlike, wanting attention and behaving badly.

I was with my mother when she died, and shortly after, i watched my beloved father fade away (dying takes a long time sometimes). So now do i regret some of the lost years? Never.
Yes, i did at the time, but now i am so thankful that i had the chance to be there for them, and god, how i miss them.

I do agree with Jazz, that is very sound advice.

I do wish you well Luke, i really do. THis was not intended to be anything other than hopefully a supportive post, you are in very hard situation i know. I guess your elderley folk must feel pretty hopeless as well. I think you are a superstar, if only there were more families like you who stick together the world would, im sure, be a much better place.

[emma3870]

luke3 have you spoken to social services about trying to get them to go to a day care centre or something like that? a bus usually picks them up. also speak to age concern - they have volunteers who will come and sit with them or take them out.

make them ring for an ambulance next time they want to go to hospital. it must be very hard - i havent been in that situation - but you have to think of yourself and your boys and not ruin that relationship you have wth them.

[sarah00000]

luke3 - I would go and have a chat with your Dr about it. I would tell him it is making you feel very depressed and feeling like walking out.

He/she will hopefully send round a health visitor or similiar, who can sit and talk to the oldies for you and make some plans to get your life back.

Your boys MUST take priority. You only have little ones once in your life and they need you to be happy and positive for them. You need to have time to PLAY with them and enjoy this time, not be running round after the oldies.

I really think, that if you seek proper help, things could improve greatly, without anyone having to leave.

[sageandonion]

You are a total Saint!

However, even Saints are entitled to have a life. I think you need to start thinking very carefully about whether you feel you can put up with this situation much longer.

Trouble is they could live for a very long time and it is only going to get worse.

Leave things for the moment and let yourself get over this particularly stressful situation and then go talk to someone to get it off your chest. Isn't there someone at age concern that could offer some advice?

[Julie(luke3)]

Thanks guys xx I will go to Malta at easter and have a long hard think as to what I want/should do xx

ladybird, you do make sence.

I would do all of this... for my own Mum,Dad and Uncle. It is different I think when it is someone elses. xx

[proudwilliam]

Under Social Services rules and there are thousands you are entitled to a carers assessment might be linked to the GP surgery so ask for one .
? Your relatives should be entitled to attendance allowance because withot you being there they would not be able to cope Then they could pay for help in and around the house giving you and your childen more quality time together, and be less stressed in dealing with the whole situation.
Coping with one dependant relative is hard but three you must be a saint . Have a karma.

[bemused]

If you do decide to apply for benefits (AA/DLA) then ask Age Concern to fill in the application forms for you. They are very good at this and really know what they are doing - their success rate of successful claims is very high. This is a free service (and filling in the forms are a nightmare - I did it for my mom and it took 2.5 hours!)

[Julie(luke3)]

Thank you proudwilliam & bemused x

[poop]

yes proudwilliam and bemused are bang on, the AA money could then be used to pay a private carer - agency ones are poss. best as police checked.
If they are assessed by Social services they will only recieve minimal help for high priority needs which isnt going to help you a great deal, however you might get a little more for having high priority needs of your own as an overstretched carer!

The idea of a day centre / social centre / lunch club is a good one, lots of towns have these run by charities / voluntary organisations and it is much easier to get a place that going through social services, most of them have their own transport too, and some offer 'extras' like a bath or shower. - they might even enjoy it!

Either that or just turn your house into a retirement home and start charging!!

[Deleted]

I work in this field, for social sevices- I can only suggest- you go to your doc and tell him/her just what you have said on here- you are entitled to help- go on do it

[amumwithapony]

ooo Luke3 I have only just caught up with this thread. I know how much you do for everyone else in your house and how little you seem to be appreciated. Like the others have said its time to take a stand.

1. speak to your OH honestly about how you are feeling. tell him when he is at home on a weekend at least one of those days is for just you and your boys and he is to cook, clean, tidy etc. Be firm and dont let him change your mind, they are his resposiblity as much as, if not more than yours.

2. if any of them are able to be of any help then they must be. simple as, even if it is only sitting on the bed and sorting laundry or listening to the children read etc.

3. you cook 1 meal a day. anyone not wanting this has to make there own provisions

4. like others have said contact age concern, social services and your doctors. you need some help and if for some reason you dont get any free help, then you will have a cleaner/housework person in for 3 days a week, 3 hours a day. they will wash/iron/clean and tidy. the olds will pay for this.

5. PM me your address and i will come and sort them all out for you. stopping smoking next week so i should be suitably angry and bolshy enough to tackle 3 olds and a hubby.

6. have a karma from me for me missing your thread

[Julie(luke3)]

Ahhh thanks amwap xxx Ihave sorted passports today so WILL be going to Malta soon!!! That will make me feel better xxx

[sageandonion]

I think of you when I ring my mother luke and it helps me keep my patience. Tonight she said she had been to the Club (day centre) and she says she enjoys that because they are all like her, lonely and their families can't be bothered with them!!!

I wonder why?

[Julie(luke3)]

Your cat(avatar) will be the same soon if it watches anymore tv and drinks anymore!!!! ;D ;D ;D

[sarah00000]

luke3 - I would speak to your hubby about these things, before you go on hols, so that he can think about how the family runs, without you there doing it all.

Afterall - if the worse came to the worse, causing breakdown of marriage - then hubby will end up with all the same problems - as well as no lovely wife and kids to come home to!

You have had some fab advice on this thread, I really hope you act on it - you deserve so much more xxx

[ladybird]

s and o, your post has made me feel really sad, sorry but it has upset me. I know how vulnerable and lonely, scared and angry old people feel, we will (probably) all be there one day, I hope my four sons will remember me when i was young and fun, a good mum and not a burden, and they will come and visit me if im in a nursing home and they will love and support me until the end as i have done for them over all their years.

[ada]

ladybird i understand what you are saying, but visiting in a nursing home and having them live with you 24/7 is another thing entirely, unless you have been there then you do not know what is involved.
i hope my kids will visit me, i would not ask them to take me to live with them, they need to live their own lives.

[ladybird]

You obviously did not read my earlier thread ada. If you do, you will know i gave up everything (my job, horses, time with my children and husband) to take care of my mother and father until the end of my lives.) They didnt ask me too, they didnt have to. I think Luke 3 is doing a wonderful job, and i completely empathise with her.